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When I was very little
All the Grandmas that I knew
All walked around this world
In ugly grandma shoes.

You know the ones I speak of,
those black clunky heeled kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind,

For I knew, when I grew old .
I’d have to wear those shoes,
I’d think of that, from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.

I never was a rebel,
I wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
Then the sandals, pretty cool.

And then came spikes with pointed toes
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came along
I wore them, one and all.

But always, in the distance,
Looming in my future, there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandmas wear.

I eventually got married
And then I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left,
And when their children came along,

I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes
Was what I’d have to wear.

How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn’t even think about
How I would ride my bike!

But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realized
That the shape of things to come
Was changing, right before my eyes.

And now, when I go shopping
What I see, fills me with glee
For, in my jeans and Reeboks
I’m as comfy as can be.

And I look at all these teenage girls
And there, upon their feet
Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes,
And they really think they’re neat.

A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor.

Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, “What Are You Doing?”

She responds, “Duh, I’m winning.”

Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine under water?
A: Just knock.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”

1. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location

2. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am not free to return to the couch.

6. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7. If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

8. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes to matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10. Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

11. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.



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