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Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday

A: You tell them a joke on Friday.

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each
other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to
date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc.,
and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, “It’s OK. We get it
on every week or so, but it’s no big adventure; how’s yours?” Sally
replies, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.” Sue is aghast.
“Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!”
Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He Snores while I Masturbate.”

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events.

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You never like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

And the Number One Thing Not to Say on Your Wedding Anniversary…

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

* “Sure you’ll get your figure back … we’ll just search 1985 where you left it.”

* “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”

* “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”

* “Hey, when you’re finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?”

* “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”

* “I finished the Oreos.”

* “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”

* “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!!”

* “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

* “Well, couldn’t they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”

* “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

* “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”

* “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”

* “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”

* “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

* “Get your *own* ice cream.”

* “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

* “Got milk?”

* “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

* “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”

* “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam…”

* “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger…”

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s illegal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “I just want to sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000, miles. Then you shouldn’t have a problem selling your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month later, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

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