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Divorced? Instead of getting married again, why not find a woman you don’t like and just give her a house.

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a company party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.

Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

* Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
* If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films ended with a scream and a flush.
* Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
* Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
* All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
* Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
* All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
* A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
* Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
* Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
* Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
* Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
* Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
* Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
* Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
* If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he’s serious.
* Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
* When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
* Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
* Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie ‘The Way We Were’ twice, voluntarily.
* Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
* Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
* Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
* Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
* When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
* Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
* Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
* Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife.
Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air.
“Jimmy,” she asked through titely clenched teeth, “Just where are your underwear?”
Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. “My God!” he cried with aggrieved dismay. “I’ve been robbed!”

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



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