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A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!”
He sticks out his hand… “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister.”

Chronologically challenged

At age 4 success is… … ..not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is… … ..having friends.
At age 16 success is… … ..having a driver’s license.
At age 20 success is… … ..having sex.
At age 35 success is… … ..having money.
At age 50 success is… … ..having money.
At age 60 success is… … ..having sex.
At age 70 success is… … ..having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is… … ..having friends.
At age 80 success is… … ..not peeing in your pants.

* Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
* If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films ended with a scream and a flush.
* Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
* Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
* All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
* Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
* All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
* A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
* Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
* Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
* Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
* Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
* Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
* Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
* Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
* If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he’s serious.
* Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
* When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
* Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
* Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie ‘The Way We Were’ twice, voluntarily.
* Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
* Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
* Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
* Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
* When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
* Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
* Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
* Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS-Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Skimpy Underthings For Christmas-Give Us Money
6. Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home Drunk At 4:00AM
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Titled “Don’t Wash My Underwear”)
8. Parenting-No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
9. Get A Life-Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like A Jerk When You’re Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling-Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You-The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
16. Garbage-Getting It To The Curb
17. How To Put The Toilet Lid Down (Formerly “No, It’s Not A Bidet”)
18. “The Weekend” And “Sports” Are Not Synonyms
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
20. The Remote Control-Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-In-Laws-They Are People Too
23. Male Bonding-Leaving Your Friends At Home
24. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
25. Seeing The True You (Formerly “No, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially With No Shirt!”)
26. Changing Your Underwear-It Really Works
27. Fluffing The Blankets After Flatulating Is Not Necessary
28. Techniques For Calling Home

A site foreman, displeased with the motivation of the men working for him, decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest person here,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man. “Too much trouble,” came the reply.



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