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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.

I overheard a friend telling his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”
“What is she doing?” the pal asks.
“Waiting for me to get home.”

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

Because I’m a man

* Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. Youre a woman – you never get as sick as I do, so for you this isnt a problem.
* Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries, like milk or bread. Don’t expect me to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu’. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, ever expect me to purchase anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
* Because I’m a man, there’s no need to ask me what Im thinking about. The answer is always ‘sex’, ‘cars’ or ‘sport’.
* Because I’m a man, I don’t want to visit your mother or have her come visit us or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mothers Day is OK – I dont need to see it. And dont forget to pick up something for my mother too.
* Because I’m a man, you dont have to ask me if I liked the movie. If youre crying at the end of it, chances are I didnt. And if you’re feeling amorous afterwards, then I’ll certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
* Because I’m a man, I think what youre wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing 5 minutes ago was also fine. Either pair of shoes is fine. With or without the belt, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
* Because I’m a man, and this is the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes. Ill do the rest, like looking for my socks.

Note: Although this is test for men only and all “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions, women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the paper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names (but this would be his wife), is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.



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