Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________

SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________

If NO, please explain ____________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _______________________________

If less than your age, explain _______________________________________

____________________________________________________________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed? _______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________

A tattoo? _______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Church you attend ______________________________________________________

How often you attend __________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

priest? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

_________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little accidents.”

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store’s return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into women.

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their love lives. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women.
In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers.

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: …on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together…
Inside caption: I swear I’ll leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I’m sorry to hear the news…
Inside caption: That you’ve been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife…I know we’ve had a little disagreement.
Inside caption: But please don’t cut off my shave my head as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”



© 2015 ijokedb.com