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I strongly recommended that you never criticise your wife. Just remember that if she were perfect, she would have married someone much better than you.

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matter worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother, too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, “Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”
The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone “Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts “Clumsy bitch.”

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

An elderly man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates Saint Peter welcomes him but states that the man must know how to spell the secret password to get in.

The old man replies, “You mean I don’t have to know it, I just have to spell it?”

Saint Peter says, “Yes, that is correct, all you have to do is spell ‘LOVE.’”

The old mans spells out L-O-V-E with excitement. Saint Peter opens the gate and says, “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter asks the old man if he could guard the gate for a few minutes while he goes to see God.

The old man does so and while he is waiting, his wife suddenly appears in a flash. He asked her what she was doing there.

She tells him that on the way home from the funeral, she had a bad accident and died then asks him to open the gate and let her in.

He tells her that she must spell the secret password first in order to get in.

She says “Okay, what is the word?”

He replies, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

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