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“I’ve had it with my wife.” said Moishe to his friend Sam. “I’m filing for divorce.”
“Sorry to hear that Moishe.” said Sam. “May I ask why?”
“I found her supply of birth control pills.” said Moishe.
“So what, Moishe? How can you leave her just for that? My wife also has her supply of pills.”
“It’s not just that,” said Moishe. “I had a vasectomy over five years ago.”

The night before their wedding, Alf and Bette were sharing confidences.
Alf said, “You must know something before we get married. I am a fanatic golfer. I eat, sleep and drink golf. Golf is my whole life. After we are married, I’ll try for some balance but I doubt whether I’ll succeed. Just understand – you’re marrying a golf addict.”
“I can live with that,” said Bette, “now I’ll tell you my secret – I’m a hooker.”
“A hooker?” Alf repeated. “I can live with that. Next time, keep your head down and your left arm straight, then swing through the ball… .”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his redheaded wife pinched her on her butt and said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.”
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his redhead with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman, and your brother.”

The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, “It’s my turn.”
“What do you mean, your turn?” yelled the husband.
“In bed,” she explained, “you’ve been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it’s my turn.”



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