Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


A young woman brings home her fianc

There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

* Your feet stick to the kitchen floor….. and you don’t care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

* You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle’s become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

* You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

* Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

* Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it’s funny.

* You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet … you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

* In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* Someone else’s kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

* You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

* You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into cute shapes.

“Oh, no!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. “Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself.

He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “And for heaven’s sake, clean up this room!”

* Your feet stick to the kitchen floor….. and you don’t care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

* You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle’s become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

* You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

* Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

* Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it’s funny.

* You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, Not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet … you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

* In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* Someone else’s kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

* You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

* You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into cute shapes.



© 2015 ijokedb.com