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Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.”

She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE DISHES!!”

* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of “Lord of the Flies.”

* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants.

* “OK, kids! Gather ’round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!”

* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.

* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret’s School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.

* Practice of “trapping and killing your lunch” not mentioned in brochure.

* Leather-clad teacher announces that today’s letters are S and M.

* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

* She can’t say her ABC’s, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.

* For snack time, it’s always anchovies and Clamato.

* “Do-Bee” always seems to have the munchies.

* The teacher sends home a note reading, “Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila.”

* On the first day, the children are divided into “pimps” and “hos.”

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son says, “Why are you so weak?”

She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food if you should call.”

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: “Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!”

The grandson moaned: “Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o’clock in the morning, and you’ll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you’re 82 years old, and third, that’s MY dick you’re holding… not yours.”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

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