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– The pet cat got better food than you did.

– Your parents told you about strange men giving away sweets and to go and find as many of them as possible.

– You play “hide & seek” with your Mother and she hides in another town.

– Your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle.

– Your parents told you about the magic money box in the cupboard where you can hide your pocket money, and – you’ve since found out it was the coin-op electric meter.

– You had to share your sandbox with the cat.

– You always got your weekly allowance in Traveler’s Checks.

– Your folks threw a “going-into-the-Army” party when you were only three years old.

– You run away, and the family can’t give the Police an accurate description.

– You kept getting left beside the monkey enclosure at the zoo.

– You were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet held at the local Church.

– Kidnappers send back a piece of your ear and your parents demand more proof before they pay any ransom.

– When you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts.

– Your parents encourage you to fish in shark infested waters.

– As a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away.

– You find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side.

– Your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck.

No one fails a class anymore, he’s merely “passing impaired.”

You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the”exit delayed.”

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”

These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”

Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”

Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”

You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot.. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenging.”

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I am running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes.”

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After another ten minutes, the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws another glass of water over her ass. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, “What’s the matter? Have I done something wrong?”

“It’s not you,” replied her date, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked.”

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. ‘Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind.”

“I see,” says the girl, “What happened then?”

“Well, if that isn’t enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.”

“Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

The young man can’t believe the casual response to this weird practice.

“It’s easily explained. Mom was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ and Dad was replying, ‘No, screw him. I’m watching the match.'”

– A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

– A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

– A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

– Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

– A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.

– A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver’s license.

– A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.

– An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

– A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

– A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

– A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

– A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

– An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.

* Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.

* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week.

* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

* Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.

* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.

* I don’t have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.

* Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.

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