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(and the translation of what they mean!)

* I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in “Deliverance.”)

* There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(I don’t want to do my DAD.)

* I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
(You ugly dork.)

* My life is too complicated right now.
(I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

* I’ve got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.)

* I don’t date men where I work.
(I wouldn’t date you if you’re in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)

* It’s not you, it’s me.
(It’s you.)

* I’m concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

* I’m celibate.
(I’ve sworn off the likes of you or I’d rather be gang raped by midgets or I’d rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)

* Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, “Just three gunnysacks.”

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, “Bow-wow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, “Meow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, “Potatoes.”

Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

Women would rule the world.

Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.



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