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To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat.
“I won’t do it any more, Mom,” says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. “If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?”
“You’ll be fatter than that,” says her mother.
They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can’t take her eyes off the woman’s belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, “Excuse me, but do you know me?”
And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you’ve been doing…”

Q: What do you call a pair of robbers?
A: A pair of knickers!

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!

Q: What’s the difference between your new teacher and a train?
A: Your new teacher says, “Spit out your gum!”; but a train says, “Choo! Choo!”

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me buddy! You tell me!”

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