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The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Well, ’cause you ain’t from here! We can tell!
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in ‘big ol truck’ or ‘big ol boy’.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in September. “Dang it, it sure is cold out, y’all!”
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’!”, is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y’all! Ack!

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your land speeder.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
There is anyone named Cletus in your family.
There is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car.
There is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
There is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.
There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve to hit it.
There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
There’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
There’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
Think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
Think foot ball is kicking someone in the balls
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
Tonight’s supper was too slow crossing the road this morning
Truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
When describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”
When finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn’t know was there.
When someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
When you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.
When you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you’re gonna “fix it up a little”
When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is you can lose them or not.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
When you say, “Let’s hit the hay,” you actually MEAN it.
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
When you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time.
When you walk your dog you both use the same tree.
When you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
When you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn’t have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.

9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.

12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

14. In Florida, ‘flipping someone the bird’ is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”
Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”

If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.



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