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A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good,” continues the professor, “I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats’

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’ ?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
“You see, there are the originals,” said the first monk. “All the new scrolls were copied from these.”
“Can I see one?”
“Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom–” All of a sudden, the monk’s face turns white and he falls to his knees.
“What? What does it say?”
“Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!”

Q: How do you know when your staying in a Redneck hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

You’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
You’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You’ve ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom.
You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time time call… ”
You’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.
You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… deliberately.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… on purpose!
You’ve ever hitchhiked naked,
You’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
You’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”
You’ve ever invited friends over to show off what’s left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.
You’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
You’ve ever made love on a tire swing.
You’ve ever named a child for a good dog.
You’ve ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
You’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
You’ve ever parked a Camero in a tree.
You’ve ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she’d take the hint.
You’ve ever participated in a burp-off.
You’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
You’ve ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.
You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
You’ve ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool.
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You’ve ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money.
You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.
You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You’ve ever shot a mouse inside your home.
You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
You’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.
You’ve ever sold your car for gas money.
You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
You’ve ever stabbed someone’s hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
You’ve ever stolen a bulldozer.



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