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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

This guy goes into a bar, says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my eye.”

So the bartender, wanting to see this anyway, lays down 50 dollars. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, “OK, I’ll give you another chance, I’ll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my other eye.” So the bartender thinks, he can’t have two glass eyes, and lays 50 more down on the bar.

The guy then takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender is upset, so the guy says, “OK, I’ll bet you double or nothing you can slide a shot glass the length of the bar and I can run along side and pee in it without spilling a drop.”

The bartender thinks, I have to see this…so he slides a shot glass the length of the bar and the guy misses completely and pisses all over the bar!

The bartender is so happy he won, he proceeds to jump up and down cheering. Just then, a guy at the back of the bar stands up and curses and kicks the bar stool.

As the guy is paying the bartender, the bartender asks, “Gee, wonder what’s his problem?”

“Oh him? I bet him a thousand dollars I could piss all over the bar and make the bartender happy about it!”

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre… so the barman gave her one!

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, “Do you live here?”

“Yesh,” the man slowly replied.

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” the father asked.

“Yesh,” the man slowly sputtered.

When they got up on the second floor he asked, “Is this your floor?”

“Yesh,” again the man replied.

Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.

But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man, “Do you live here?”

“Yesh.”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yesh.”

So he did and put him in the same door with the first tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.

So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, “For God’s sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He’sh been doing nothing all night long but takin’ me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”



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