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Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy. “Your on!”, he says.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The second guy hands the first guy the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it.”

Intrigued, the woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”, she asks.

“Well, it says that you’re not wearing any panties…”.

The woman giggles & replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”

The man exclaims, “Damn – this thing must be an hour fast!”.

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender “I’ll have a pint of Bud please”
and the second donkey says “hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that”

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer:
The world’s most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer’s can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer’s, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years…

AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

A man is at a bar, having some drinks. After a couple hours he’s pretty drunk and starts to feel like he’s going to be sick. He rushes into the bathroom but doesn’t quite make it to a sink in time and pukes all over his shirt.

As he’s slouched against the wall trying to clean his shirt off with wet paper towels, another man comes in the bathroom.

The drunk says to the other in a slurred voice, “Maaan my (hiccup) wife issh gonna (hiccup) kill me!”

The other man says to the drunk, “Listen, what you need to do is put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you come home tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning bill.”

The drunk says, “Shay! Thas a great idea! Thans misser!”

The drunk finishes wiping the puke off his shirt and puts a twenty in his breast pocket. Feeling relieved about the situation and also feeling a little better, the man leaves the bathroom and has a couple more drinks.

Later that night the drunk staggers in the door to find his wife waiting up for him.

As soon as she sees him she starts yelling at him, “Look at you! You’re a mess, you lousy drunk! How many times have I told you not to go out and get drunk like this? Who is going to clean that shirt?”

“Look hon, you got it all wrong. Thish guy at the bar, he pukes all over me and he givesh me twenty bucks to pay the cleaning bill,” the drunk says to her while pointing at his breast pocket.

“Oh really?” she says, “Then what is the other twenty for?”

“Oh, thas from the guy that shit in my pants!”



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