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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Listen,” he says to the bartender. “If i show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever
seen, is my beer on the house?”
“We’ll see,” says the bartender.
So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
“Impressive,” says the bartender, “but i’ll need to see more.”
“Hold on,” says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings “Old Man River.”
A patron jups up from his table and shouts “Thats’s Absolutely incredible! I’ll give you $100 right now for the frog.”
“Sold,” says the guy.
The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.
“It’s none of my business,” says the bartender, “but you just gave away a fortune.”
“Not really,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. “What is it you have lost?” he asked.

“My watch,” replied the drunk. “It fell off when I tripped over the pavement.”

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. “Where exactly did you trip?” asked the passer-by.

“About half a block up the street,” replied the drunk.

“Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?”

The drunk said: “Because the light’s a lot better here.”

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”

The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars.”

The guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.

Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

A guy goes into a bar and sits down ordering several beers at a time. He notices a man sitting in a corner, drinking, with an unusually small head. He wants to ask him about the size of his head but doesn’t have the courage to. So he continues with his drinking.

After about his 8th bottle of beer he heads off to the mensroom. While standing at the urinal he glances over and the guy with the small head is next to him. Everything else on this man looks normal but why does he have such a small head. Walking out together he asks if he can join him for a few beers. Sure, is the reply. They sit chatting about the weather, politics and women experiences and finally he asks why his head is so small.

The guy tells him that years ago he got stranded on a desert island, eating nothing but berries, fish and leaves. For 5 years he lived like that. One day he is at the sea when he notices an old wine bottle on the shore. He rushed over and pulled the cork. Out popped a gorgeous blonde genie who said she wasn’t like other genies as she could only grant him one wish. He told her that he wanted to make love to her, but she replied no way. So he asked her for a little head.

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