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Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery.”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda, no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, “hey, how the hell are you doing that?!”

The first guy responds, “oh, it’s really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk.”

“WOW!” exclaims the second man, “I gotta try that!” So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, “Superman, you’re an asshole when you’re drunk.”

Three animals in a bar was having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first animal, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No one in the jungle dared to challenge him, King of the Jungle.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature with his unique arsenal.

As the three debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all; hawk, lion and stinker!

Igor, a successful Russian agrarian, is walking along the shore of the Black Sea. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it in jest. Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Igor only one wish.

“Gee, I have everything I need. I have a beautiful loving spouse, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world tending to my business interests. I really can’t think of anything that I really need,” says Igor.

“Think hard,” says the Genie, “there must be something you wish that you had.”

So Igor thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, “You know, I really do love drinking good Vodka, but sometimes I just can’t find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could piss Vodka.”

“Very well,” says the Genie, “Pissing Vodka you shall have.”

The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does.

“This is the best Vodka I’ve ever tasted!” Igor exclaims. “Thank you.”

The Genie disappears, and Igor returns home. That night Igor gets 2 glasses and pisses into each one. He takes them into the den and gives one to his wife to drink and one for himself.

“This is delicious,” his wife Raisa tells him.

So every night for the next 5 night he comes home from work, pisses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with his wife. On the seventh night he comes home from work but only pisses Vodka into one glass.

When he enters the den, Raisa asks him, “Where is my drink dear Igor.”

“Ah,” Igor replies, “Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle.”

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

“Are you Mr. Johnson?” the asked? He admitted that he was.

“Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?” Again, the man admitted that was he.

“And what did you do then,” the troopers asked.” The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

“Where is your car now?” the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

“May we see the car?” asked the troopers. The man answered, “Sure,” and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.



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