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A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the size of a grapefruit.

The first man said “Excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?”

The man said “buy me a drink and I’ll tell you.” The drink was ordered and the story began.

I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to swim to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was walking on the beach one day looking for food and when I looked up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock.

She swam over to me and told me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.

That’s great I said. I’d like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and I was built like a Stallion.

Then, noticing how beautiful she was and only one wish left, I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all, so I said, “well, how about a little head then?”

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile.

The barman goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!”

But the guy goes, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!”

He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.”

Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there pal?”

“It’s a mongoose.”

“What have you got that for?”

“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”

“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”

“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”



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