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A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine. He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry.

She said, “Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world.”

“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. “Why not,” asks the golf club.

“You’ll be driving later,” replies the bartender.

This guy does into a bar and says, “Hey barman, give me 6 double vodka’s!”

The barman lines them up on the bar and goes, “Man, you must’ve had one hell of a day!”

The guy says, “Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay.”

Next day, the same guy comes into the same bar and orders the same drinks. The same barman is there and goes, “Now what?”

The guy goes, “I just found out my younger brother is gay, too.”

Next day, same guy, same bar, same drinks. The barman goes,”Damn! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man replies, “Yeah, my wife!”

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

“Great”, he said! “Just great”! The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing … ”

“What’s that?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“No … ”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”

© 2015