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A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”

The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the man replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender’s not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, “What the hell are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

To which the bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

The man replies, “Thank you! Make it a scotch.”

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. “She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home,” she said.

“What an example of devotion,” Dave replied. “I wonder if you’d be that concerned about me?”

“Honey,” she answered, “if you were gone overnight, and I didn’t know where you were, you can be sure I’d be waiting for you at the front door.”

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, “can I help you”?

The duck said, “quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?”

The bartender said, “NO! This is a bar and we don’t sell raisins.” The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, “quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?”

The bartender said, “NO this is a BAR we don’t sell raisins!” So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, “quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?”

The bartender said, “NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.”

The duck said, “ok”, and left.

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, “quack, quack, got any nails?”

The bartender replied, “No!”

The duck said “Good, then you got any raisins?”

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

Three old men were sitting around talking about the problems with aging.

The 80-year-old said, “The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it just dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.”

The 85-year-old said, “The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and I still have problems.”

Then the 90-year-old said, “That’s not my problem. Every morning, at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. And at 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m!”



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