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It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked “What will you be doing this summer?”
“Me and my family will go to the beach a lot,” Suzie answered.
“That sounds like fun,” said Miss Figpot. “How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?”
“My family just bought new bikes will ride together.” Emma replied enthusiastically.
“That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room.
“What will you do this summer, Johnny?”
“Nothing,” Little Johnny responded timidly.
“Nothing? Aren’t you going to do anything with your family?” she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination.
“Nothing.” He replied
“Will you go to the beach?”
“Will you ride bikes?”
“No, never!” Little Johnny burst out. “We can never ride bikes together!”
“Why not?” said the shocked Miss Figpot.
“I don’t know,” explained Little Johnny, “But dad always says, when mom and sis start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the hell out of town.”

Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
Collect your old license plates and put them on top of the fireplace and call them trophies
Coons get into everyone else’s trash but yours.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
Dinner may or may not have tire tracks on it.
Directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road.”
Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
Dolly Parton reminds you of the “Grand Tetons”.
Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it’s shown on The Learning Channel.
Down where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.
Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
During the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
Every time you see a road sign that says “DIP” you reach in your back pocket.
Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Fancy eating out (for you) involves drivin’ to the next window
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
Fine dining is the Waffle House.
Flannel is your favorite color.
For your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Friday night is “sneak into the drive-in night”.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.

Artery – The study of paintings.
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.
Barium – What doctors do when patients die.
Benign – What you be after you be eight.
Catscan – Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic – A sheep dog.
Coma – A punctuation mark.
D&C – Where Washington is.
Dilate – To live long.
Enema – Not a friend.
Fester – Quicker than someone else.
Fibula – A small lie.
Genital – Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series – World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail – What you hang your coat on.
Impotent – Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid – A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – A person who has fainted.
Ovaries – You get to try again. (from wj1001250)
Pap Smear – A fatherhood test.
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative – A letter carrier.
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery.
Rectum – Pretty near killed him.
Secretion – Hiding something.
Seizure – Roman emperor.
Tablet – A small table.
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor – More than one.
Urine – Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose – Near by/close by.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”

The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars.”

The guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.

Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?

A: Who cares?

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