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1. I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.

5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

6. I like clay. It’s mushy.

7. I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.

8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

9. I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

10. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

Q: What is a ram’s favorite song?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

Q: What is a ram’s favorite song?

A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

Last year my wife said all she wanted for Valentine’s Day was “the card.” I picked out a real expensive one and thought the matter closed. She got angry with me anyway. Turns out the card she wanted was her own Visa Platinum. How the heck am I supposed to know it’s referred to as “the card?”

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I’m thinking of you
And spanking my monkey!

Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
And wiggle a bit!

Roses are red
It’s elementary
Let’s ring up a friend
and try double entry!

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
So’s your Vaginer!

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You’re about to get fisted.

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I’ve just come
Pass me a hanky.

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
‘Cause here comes my willy!

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your top
And show us your tits.

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You’re a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter.

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