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Q: What do squireels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

At the office where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing and her skin was soft and fair.
I wanted so to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful for me to even try.

The few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up and “Hi” was all I’d say.
Then I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a Valentine to her and with it I’d express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.
I’ll tell her that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card and asked her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special Valentine.
In just a few short days, a response came in the mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.
With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center someone drew a bloody piercing dart.
I opened up the card to see if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

“I’d love to be your Valentine, but I think that I will pass,
My husband says he’ll be at work, to kick your stupid ass.
I’m glad you like my body and you think it’s really fine,
My husband says this card is going where the sun don’t shine.

In your card you said there’s things to me you’d love to do,
I think my husband’s going to do all of those things to you.
So, have a Happy Valentine’s, I’ll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you’ll wish you were never born.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?

A: You get buttered up.

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and Kisses!



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