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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” – “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it… only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

A: Hog and kisses!

15. My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won’t be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

* Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
* “No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.”
* Stand up every five minutes, circle the table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
* “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?”
* Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themself.
* “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”
* When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
* “I used to come here all the time with my ex.”
* Ask your date how much money they have with them.
* If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. Yawn.
* “I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.”
* Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
* “I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”
* Beg your date to tattoo your name on their butt cheek. Keep bringing the subject up.
* Insist that the waiter take a bite of everything on your plate to make sure no one poisoned it.
* Lick your plate clean. Offer to lick their plate clean, too.
* “It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

Q: Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
A: She didn’t suit his taste!

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