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Mary: “I can’t be your Valentine for medical reasons.”
John: “Really?”
Mary: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

* Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
* “No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.”
* Stand up every five minutes, circle the table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
* “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?”
* Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themself.
* “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”
* When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
* “I used to come here all the time with my ex.”
* Ask your date how much money they have with them.
* If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. Yawn.
* “I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.”
* Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
* “I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”
* Beg your date to tattoo your name on their butt cheek. Keep bringing the subject up.
* Insist that the waiter take a bite of everything on your plate to make sure no one poisoned it.
* Lick your plate clean. Offer to lick their plate clean, too.
* “It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”

Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

A: It was Valenswine’s Day!

“I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine’s day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it’s these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.”

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