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Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?

A: Antelope.

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

A: Hog and kisses!

* This topic comes as a surprise to you.

* Your wife has had a deadbolt installed on her nightgown.

* You don’t remember your shower radio having a 220-volt feeder.

* Instead of a kiss, your girlfriend greets you with a hearty kick to the groin.

* You’ve got a divot in your head from the new golf club your wife gave you.

* You’ve got a red mark on your face that bears a striking resemblance to the shape of your girlfriend’s hand.

* You’re so caught up in online porn that time, in general, has no meaning whatsoever.

* You’ve got a high-heel sticking out of your rear end.

* Cupid flips you the bird.

* Your intern won’t even TALK to you.

Q: What did the Valentine’s card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

1. I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.

5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

6. I like clay. It’s mushy.

7. I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.

8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

9. I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

10. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.



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