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At the office where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing and her skin was soft and fair.
I wanted so to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful for me to even try.

The few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up and “Hi” was all I’d say.
Then I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a Valentine to her and with it I’d express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.
I’ll tell her that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card and asked her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special Valentine.
In just a few short days, a response came in the mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.
With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center someone drew a bloody piercing dart.
I opened up the card to see if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

“I’d love to be your Valentine, but I think that I will pass,
My husband says he’ll be at work, to kick your stupid ass.
I’m glad you like my body and you think it’s really fine,
My husband says this card is going where the sun don’t shine.

In your card you said there’s things to me you’d love to do,
I think my husband’s going to do all of those things to you.
So, have a Happy Valentine’s, I’ll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you’ll wish you were never born.”

Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

A: It was Valenswine’s Day!

Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?

A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Roses are red and Violets are blue,
I didn’t buy you anything
’cause to be honest,
I really don’t like you.

You used to give me,
candy and sweets,
you used to dress sexy,
as a special treat.

Now all I get is a complaint
or some gripe.
I liked you much better
before you were my wife.

I once cared about who you were
and about what you thought
but now I know better
and I’ll just screw your sister until I get caught.

You say I don’t love you, I don’t care anymore.
Well guess what? You are right….
now get outta my bed bitch,
you can sleep on the floor.

So here it is, your present this day.
It may not be special, it may not be sweet,
but it’s all you’re getting..
for your mother I must meet.

She e-mailed me this morn’,
with something on her mind.
Then said for a dollar,
her G-spot I could find.

I hope you don’t think,
I did this to be mean.
I just wanted to show you
how little you mean.

So happy V-day and all of that crap.
Have a nice life
and get to the doctor before anyone else
get’s your case of the clap.

Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: “I dot my i’s on you!”

© 2015