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Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don’t know
but I do like you.

I love you more
than my truck’s tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.

You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you’d shave that
hair off your legs.

If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It’s okay, I’ll still feel the same,
I’ll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.

Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it’s my payday?

When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn’t even say “ouch.”
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.

I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz I’m really horny
and I want to get laid.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Last year my wife said all she wanted for Valentine’s Day was “the card.” I picked out a real expensive one and thought the matter closed. She got angry with me anyway. Turns out the card she wanted was her own Visa Platinum. How the heck am I supposed to know it’s referred to as “the card?”

Q: What do squireels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

At the office where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing and her skin was soft and fair.
I wanted so to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful for me to even try.

The few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away.
I could not get the courage up and “Hi” was all I’d say.
Then I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a Valentine to her and with it I’d express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.
I’ll tell her that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card and asked her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special Valentine.
In just a few short days, a response came in the mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.
With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center someone drew a bloody piercing dart.
I opened up the card to see if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

“I’d love to be your Valentine, but I think that I will pass,
My husband says he’ll be at work, to kick your stupid ass.
I’m glad you like my body and you think it’s really fine,
My husband says this card is going where the sun don’t shine.

In your card you said there’s things to me you’d love to do,
I think my husband’s going to do all of those things to you.
So, have a Happy Valentine’s, I’ll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you’ll wish you were never born.”



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