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Q: What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A: Tur-key.

* As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

* As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time.

* As a hood ornament.

* As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can’t kiss you and say, “How much you’ve grown!”

* As a football for the after-meal game.

* One word… bowling!

* Fill it with whip cream – watch the fun.

* An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.

* A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.

* Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.

* If you’re flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

* As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

* As a gift/bribe for a professor.

* As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

* As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

* Makes a great doggie chew toy.

* Wear as a helmet, declaring, “I’m TURKEYMAN!”

* Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.

* Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.

* Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl!

* Throw the turkey out the window yelling, “You’re FREE! Fly! FLY!”

* Two words: Turkey puppet.

* Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year’s stock.

* Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.

* From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

* As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

A: If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

3 cups bread crumbs
2 large onions
2 cups of celery
2 tablespoons of poultry seasoning
2 cups of unpopped popcorn

Stuff turkey. Bake at 350 degrees for 5 hours until corn pops and blows the turkey’s ass across the room!

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned,the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees…
Happy eating to all! Pass the cranberries, please!

© 2015