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On the First Day…..
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day…..
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day…..
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day…..
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we’d be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day…..
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day…..
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day…..
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day…..
The word ”vegetarian” keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day…..
We check our hair to make sure we’re not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day…..
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day…..
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day…..
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says, “Amen!”

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals, the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall…in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to “when I first started teaching here…” you can be entertained by “when your mother was your age…” and “during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!”

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

2. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

* You know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

* Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

* Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello.

* After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

* Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell…Even if it is for only four days.

* To eat your meals, the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall in below freezing weather.

* Instead of listening to “When I first started teaching here…” you can be entertained by “When your mother was your age…” and “during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have Brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!”

* You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

* You know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

* You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

Q: Why do turkeys always go “gobble, gobble”?

A: Because they never learned good table manners!



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