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I heard Jeff Smith, aka The Frugal Gourmet, read this on the air. Apparently a letter from a viewer:
“I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?”

I was so poor, that if I didn’t wake up with a boner on Christmas morning, I’d have had nothing to play with.

Screw valentines day,
Hearts and roses and kisses galore.
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer.
It it definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass!

I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak,
And wear all black for the rest of the week.

Girls act all sweet, but it will soon fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid!

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a crock of shit.

So here’s my story. . . what else can I say?
Love Bites my ass. . .
Screw Valentine’s Day!

Q: What is the tallest building in Transylvania?

A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.

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