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Q: What did the dog say to the skeleton?

A: “I’d like to get to gnaw you.”

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

“Are you OK?” asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. “Stop!” shouts Father Christmas. “I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favor.”

“Would you?” the man replies. “That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!”

Father Christmas grants him the three wishes :
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexy underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

“Oh thank you, thank you!” says the man. “What is it that I can do for you?”

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

“Thirty six,” replies the man.

“You’re a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!” laughs the jolly, fat bastard.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it’s circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

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