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December 1 – Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 – Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 – Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 – Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 – Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7 – Debug Windows 2000

December 10 – Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 – Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 – Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 – Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 – Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 – Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 – Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 – Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 – Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 – Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 – Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 – Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 – Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 – Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 – Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 – Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.

December 31 – New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

January 1 – Write out meaningful resolutions on wall of new jail cell in decorative calligraphy in a crisp, cotton orange prisoner jumpsuit. At least the new year will start off with a bright splash of color.

Q: Did you hear about the starving vampire?

A: He was all gums!

Q: Did you hear about the ghost who went on safari?
A: He was a big-game haunter!

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous director?

A: Steven Spellberg!

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