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Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?

A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.

On the First Day…..
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day…..
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day…..
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day…..
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we’d be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day…..
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day…..
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day…..
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day…..
The word ”vegetarian” keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day…..
We check our hair to make sure we’re not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day…..
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day…..
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day…..
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says, “Amen!”

Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
A: “You’re under a vest!”

Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?

A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals, the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall…in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to “when I first started teaching here…” you can be entertained by “when your mother was your age…” and “during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!”

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.

2. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!



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