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You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow – damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won’t clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I’m so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my ass to the seat. I’m allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS, my ass!


Some years ago I tried to become a ghost writer. But I couldn’t find any ghosts who wanted me to write for them.

Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, hubble, hubble.

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him.

Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.

The next day, according to the young man’s words, the plane crashes. The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward — and then fires him.

Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss replies, “You were sleeping on the job.”

Q: What has four legs, a hump, and is found at the North Pole?

A: A lost camel!

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