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Q: What type of dog do vampire’s like the best?
A: Bloodhounds…

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).

3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

* Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

* Shoot olive pits at Granpa’s glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

* Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud “BUZZ”ing noise.

* Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking.

* Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

* Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

* Hold your nose while you eat.

* Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

* Mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice, you were worried for nothing.”

* Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table.

* Announce that you’ve got a new fear of choking.

* When you arrive, promise that your date won’t be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

* Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, “THE SAFETY IS ON”, while you hold your pocket.

Q: What would you get if you crossed the Wolfman with a dog?
A: A werewolf!

Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?

A: Because it was the chicken’s day off.

© 2015