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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except for Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs

Q: What would you get if you crossed a pig with a Christmas tree?

A: A porker tree!

Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?

A: I’d like a beer and a mop!

Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of preasents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.
“God, I have been a child of perfection this year. I think I should get lots of presents… no that won’t work.”

He got on his knees.
“God, I haven’t been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of preasents for my efforts… no that won’t work either!”

He laid face flat on the floor.
“God, I have been a complete devil this year. But I can change, I promise! No, theres no way he’ll beleive that!”

Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the model of the stable that Jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the Virgin Mary. He went into his room, wrapped Mary in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.

“God, if you ever want to see your mother again…



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