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Q: How can you easily make a witch itch?

A: Remove the ‘w’.

Q: Did you hear about the dancer’s birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

Ten holiday differences explained

1. Christmas is one day. It’s the same day every year, December 25. Jews love Christmas as it’s another paid day off work. We go to the cinema, eat at a Chinese restaurant and go Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure – until that is, a Christian friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar. We all have the same calendar, provided free with the Jewish Chronicle newspaper.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most of the other Jewish holidays – ‘They attempted to kill us, we survived, so let’s eat already’.
3. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
4. Christmas is a time of pressure for husbands and boyfriends because their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden because, surprisingly, no one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
5. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewellery, perfume and digital cameras. Jews get practical presents such as scarves, underwear, socks and pyjamas.
6. Christmas end up in high electricity bills. But because candles are used for Chanukah, Jews are spared such high bills. We even feel good because we aren’t adding to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful (Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful). Chanukah songs are about clay dreidels and similar. Nevertheless, we are proud that many carols were written and sung by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.
8. Homes getting ready for Christmas smell great with the sweet aromas of cookies and cakes. Everyone is in a festive mood. Homes getting ready for Chanukah smell of frying oil and potatoes and onions. Everyone as usual is talking loudly and at the same time.
9. Women have great fun baking Christmas cookies, but Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions making latkes on Chanukah – a reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, “Come on Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here, take the number of my psychoanalyst. He might be able to help you.”

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there’s housework to be done. Also, see “Mr. Hyde.”

Jack O’ Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See “Mother-in-Law.”

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

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