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Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmastersof chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

1. Have a torrid fling with a street mutt.
2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a furry rat or they’ll flush me.
8. Always scoot before licking.
9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
12. I will NOT chase the darnrd stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND!

Well, Martha wants a new needlepoint kit this year… Hmmm… too hard… I know! I’ll giver her a…


And the Johnson kids want bikes and those electronic toys and such… Bah! They’d be better off with…

…A yummy FRUIT CAKE!

Then there’s ol’ Bob, begging for new golf clubs again… What he really needs is a…

…A fruity-toot FRUIT CAKE!

This is the best, best, bestest Christmas yet!
Yee Ha Ho Ho!
I think I’ll give them all…

…A store-bought,
…months old,
…chewy & delicious

And what do YOU want for Christmas this year?
Ho Ho Ho!

Q: What do you call the reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?

A: Call him anything you like – he won’t hear you!

Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair?

A: A hairless hare!

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