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Strip poker with Santa’s granddaughter

Attach the Mistletoe to Santa’s Ass

Spin the Salt Lick

Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers

Moose or Dare

Flying into the “No Fly Zone” over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends

Bait-and-Shoot Elmo

The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest

Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot

Convince the Elves to Eat “Raisinets”

Pin the Tail on Santa’s Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass

Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen

Elf Tossing

Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

The “Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer” Drinking Game

Q: In the Middle Ages, what did most people get for Christmas?
A: The plague!

Little Johnny desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas. His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, so Johnny decided to do them one better.

“Dear Jesus,” he wrote, “If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will not fight with my brother Hank for a year.” Then Johnny thought, ‘Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise.’ So Johnny threw away the letter and wrote another one.

“Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year.” Then Johnny thought, ‘Oh, no, that means spinach and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.’

Then Johnny had an idea. He threw away the paper and went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family’s statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers then stuffed the newspapers into a grocery bag. He took the package upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the whole works in the farthest, darkest corner. Then he closed the closet door tightly, took a new sheet of paper and wrote: “Dear Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…”

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however; there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I hear’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off.” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing are
A. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like, “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run’d Over by a Reindeer.”

Dracula was killed one day and up he was due to be re-incarnated. He was refused because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood and killing. He was finally given another chance to redeem himself. Dracula was sent to earth, BUT not in a human form. He would only be re-incarnated into any other living things of his choice.

Still unrepentant, Dracula said, “OK, I want to become a living thing with wings and suck blood, heh..heh..heh.”

“So be it”…..and Dracula was changed into a vampire bat.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer.

Feeling a bit sheepish he requested for another chance. After much pleading he was given another chance. He was told that he will be sent back again but not as a human or a bat. Dracula was asked, “What will it be this time?”

Still adamant, Dracula said, “I’ll still want to be a living thing with wings and suck blood!” After much consideration Dracula was turned into a mosquito.

So, back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim.

Feeling stupid, Dracula again requested for one last chance to redeem himself. Consent was finally given but this time Dracula cannot become a living thing. Dracula can only be turned into a NON-living thing of his choice.

Still stubborn, Dracula said, “Okaayyy.. then turn me in to a non-living thing with wings that sucks blood!! heh.. heh.. heh..”

No problem…..Dracula was changed into a non-living thing that sucks blood. Dracula became a Stayfree maxi-pad!

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