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Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d’oeuvre.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvre.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” gulping down other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d’oeuvre in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d’oeuvre smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.

Every year you’re bound to hear some youngster say, “I wish that Christmas would last all year.”

What they don’t know is that it does.

Wait ’til they grow-up & have to pay off the credit cards.

Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

A: Hoblin Goblin.

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.
There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

Answers

1. Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. Okay, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you. If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It’s the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

Q: Why don’t mummies take vacations?
A: They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.



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