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Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

A: Hoblin Goblin.

* 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
* 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
* 2001: I will read 5 books a year.
* 2002: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
* 2003: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

* 1999: I will get my weight down below 170.
* 2000: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
* 2001: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
* 2002: I will work out once a week.
* 2003: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

* 1999: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
* 2000: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
* 2001: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
* 2002: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
* 2003: I will try to be out of the country by next year.

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

On the first day of Halloween my true love gave to me an owl in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween my true love gave to me two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween my true love gave to my three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween my true love gave to me four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween my true love gave to me five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween my true love gave to my six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween my true love gave to me seven spells are going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween my true love gave to me eight monsters shrieking, seven spells are going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween my true love gave to me nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters shrieking, seven spells are going, goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween my true love gave to me ten ghouls a groaning, nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters shrieking, seven spells a going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween my true love gave to my eleven masks a leering, ten ghouls a groaning, nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters shrieking, seven spells are going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween my true love gave me twelve bats a flying, eleven masks a leering, ten ghouls a groaning, nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters screeching, seven spells a going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.

* Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?

* Care to see my twelve inch elf?

* I’ve got something special in the sack just for you!

* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

* I know when you’ve been bad or good so let’s skip the small talk, sister!

* Some of my favorite toys run on batteries….

* Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…)

* I see you when you’re sleeping and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?

* Screw the “nice” list. I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!

* Ho-Ho-How’d you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?

* I put the ‘scroo’ in ‘scrooge!

* I’ve got something you can hang a wreath on!

* One hour with me honey and you’ll see flyin’ reindeer!

* That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I’m glad to see you.

* Uh-yeah, that’s right. I’m Kenny Rogers.

* I got your stocking stuffer right here!

* Giddy-up over here and say ‘Howdy’ to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!



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