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One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemeteryjust for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”

Next time you have an “I hate my job” day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by “Johnson and Johnson.” Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested.”

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: “I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company.”

Have a great week, and remember, there is always someone who has a worse job than you have!

Q: What is a monster’s favorite Christmas poem?

A: “The Fright Before Christmas!”

(to the tune of Silver Bells)

We’re on sidewalks, we’re on porches ,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we’re ringing the doorbells
Trick or treating, candy eating,
Gooey stuff in our hair
But the most fun is shrieking out loud:

Shivery yells, Shivery yells
That’s the Halloween nitty-gritty
Moan and groan, leaves us alone
Halloween’s just one night a year.

Pumpkin Bells
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the streets in our costumes bright and gay
To each house we go laughing all the way
Halloween is here, making spirits bright
What fun it is to trick-or-treat
And sing pumpkin carols tonight!

Oh Pumpkin bells, Pumpkin bells
Ringing loud and clear
Oh what fun great pumpkin brings
When Halloween is here.

Deck The Patch
(to the tune of Deck The Halls)

Deck the patch with orange and black Fa la la la la, la la la la
Take along your goody sack Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our weird apparel Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient pumpkin carol Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the great one rise before us Fa la la la la, la la la la
As we sing the pumpkin chorus Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow him as he ascends Fa la la la la, la la la la
Join with true great pumpkin friends. Fa la la la la, la la la la

I’m Dreaming Of The Great Pumpkin
(to the tune White Christmas)

I’m dreaming of the great pumpkin
Just like I do this time each year.
When he brings nice toys
To good girls and boys
Who wait for him to appear.

I’m dreaming of the great pumpkin
With every pumpkin card I write.
May your jack-o-lanterns burn bright
When the great pumpkin visits you tonight.

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead.

* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

* As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

* If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

* Do not take *anything* from the dead.

* If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

* Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

* If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

* Don’t make fun of or play with dead things.

* If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to ‘help’ them – they will eat you.

* If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

* Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.

* Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

* Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.

* Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a “flair” (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts…)

* Don’t open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.

* Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

* If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast.

* Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

* If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say “Tom… Tom is that you?” and Tom does not answer, run away.

* If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.

© 2015