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Q: What’s the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q: What’s red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?

A: Colored scrambled eggs!

* Have a torrid one- night stand with a street mutt.

* Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.

* I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

* Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

* Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask- wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

* Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

* Always scoot before licking.

* Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

* January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re- live victory over the sock.

* I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

(To the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

Lacy things – the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask – her permission,
I’m wearin’ her clothes ,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store – there’s a teddy,
Little straps – like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Norman,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you ready?”
I’ll say,”Whoa, Man!”
“Let’s wait until our women are out of town!”

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress – like Madonna,
We’ll put on some eyeshade,
And join in the parade,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear!

Knock Knock Who’s there?
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

© 2015