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12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

And the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Amaze your friends this New Year’s Eve by actually knowing the words to the song that everyone sings at midnight!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
And here’s a hand, my trusty friend And gie’s a hand o’ thine
We’ll tak’ a cup o’ kindness yet For auld lang syne.

How sad, the year just passed! A year the past
Arose like smoke from deep beneath the rubble,
Pouring up through fissures in the heart,
Perhaps our own as much as those of others.
Year of hatred writhing in raw pain,
Near mad with certainty arrayed in faith,
Each aggrieved alight with righteous anger,
Whirlwinds swirling through their swathes of rage.
Yet let us in the new year look for justice,
Ever the rock on which to live in peace,
Administered with love for every soul,
Regarding every evil as our own.

Be the host with the most with these very unique New Year’s toasts!

A health to you,
A wealth to you,
And the best that life can give to you.

As you slide down the banisters of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
– Irish toast

Here’s a toast to all who are here
No matter where you’re from
May the best day you have seen
Be worse than your worst to come.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!
– Old Irish Toast

Here’s to Eternity, may we spend it in as good company as this night finds us.

Here’s to our friends, and the strength to put up with them.

Here’s to Prohibiton, may it continue to reduce the number of men who think they can sing.

I used to know a clever toast
But now I cannot think it
So fill your glass to anything
And damn your souls, I’ll drink it!

Love to one, friendship to many, and good will to all.

May the clouds in your life form only a background for a lovely sunset.

May the friends of our youth be the companions of our old age.

May the morning of prosperity shine on the evening of adversity.

May the sunshine of comfort dispel the clouds of despair.

May we live to learn well, and learn to live well.

May you live as long as you want,
and never want as long as you live.
– Traditional Irish Toast

May you never lie, cheat, or drink.
But if you must lie, lie in each other’s arms.
If you must cheat, cheat death.
And if you must drink, drink with all of us
because we love you.

May your life be as beautiful as a summer day, with just enough clouds to make you appreciate the sunshine.

The Lord gives our relatives,
Thank God we can choose our friends.

To better times and a speedy calm to the storms of life.

Success to the lover, honor to the brave, health to the sick, and freedom to the slave.

May your nets always be full
Your pockets never empty
May your horse not cast a shoe
Or the devil look at you
In the year that lies ahead!

Good day, good health, good cheer, good night!

The New Year lies before you
Like a spotless tract of snow
Be careful how you tread on it
For every mark will show.

© 2015