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RE: Chrismukah

Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.

By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: “Miraculous stuff happens.”

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreo’s were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”

10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs

10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs

Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John. “Where did you get that?” John asked “I got it last night for Hanukkah,” said Stan. “What’s Hanukkah?” John asked.

“It’s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights.”

“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?” asks John.

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, “It was leftovers night.”

The top 10 movie rental over the Hanukkah holiday vacation were:

10) Three Men And A Bubbie

9) A Few Hood Mentches

8) The Cohenheads

7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show

6) Shalom Alone

5) Goyz `N The Hood

4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda

3) The Wizard Of Oys

2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?

1) Prelude To A Briss



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