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ATTENTION: ALL COUNTRY BROADCAST

** CODE RED ************ INTERPOL ALERT ************ CODE RED **

All units are to be on the lookout for the following individual(s) that are WANTED by an agencies within the United States of Americ
A. The US State Department has expressed interest in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the world.

NAME: Kringle, Christopher
Also Known As: Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick

Race: Unknown

Height: 6′ 0″

Weight: 320 lbs

Scars/tattoos: Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas.

Last seen wearing Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat with white tassel. Known to be driving a 1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle was displaying a red light on the front in violation of State of Alaska Vehicle Traffic Law.

Wanted for the following criminal violations:

Being jolly in a No Jolly zone, breaking and entering dwellings, leaving un-addressed packages in violation of US Postal Laws,

Intentional dumping of reindeer feces in sewer drains in violation of US EPA Laws, unlawful crossing of US Borders without reporting the crossing to US Customs, failure to obtain a non-resident work permit from INS, operating a motor vehicle that is not in compliance with US DOT Regulations, unlawful work practice in violation of the Equal Opportunity laws of the USA (will not employ people taller than (4. four feet in height), excess noise from motor vehicle in violation of State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic Laws (Sounds of HO HO HO coming from within vehicle), failure to respond to repeated request for identification by FAA Flight controllers, and also in violation of the sovereign airspace of the United States of America.

Individual is known to force Goodwill and Peace among all men/women. Has been know to assault people with vicious bouts of laugh and fun. If contact is made with above individual, caution should be taken as to not become happy and gay, especially with thoughts of sugar plums. Detain individual and contact either Detective Grinch, North Pole Police Dept. Alaska, Or Special Agent Scrooge of the Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory. ‘Have you passed?’ I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. ‘See for yourself!’ he called proudly. ‘No-el plates!’

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

A: Santa Jaws!

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat
- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
“Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!”

When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear.
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!”

“Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with “assembly required” till morning’s first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there’s something to say for those self-deluded…
I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!



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