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Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story.

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

“Are you OK?” asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. “Stop!” shouts Father Christmas. “I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favor.”

“Would you?” the man replies. “That would be wonderful! Thank you, thank you!”

Father Christmas grants him the three wishes :
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexy underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

“Oh thank you, thank you!” says the man. “What is it that I can do for you?”

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

“Thirty six,” replies the man.

“You’re a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!” laughs the jolly, fat bastard.

Oh, you’d better not bitch
And you better not moan
Or be an asshole at the office
or a bugger at home
‘Cause Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you’re sleazy
He knows when you’re pissed off
He knows if you’re a big sad-sack,
So you better clean up your act.

Oh, you better stay happy
and you better stay cool
Don’t jerk around your pals
or act like a fool,

‘Cause Santa won’t like it,
and for Christmas you’ll get jack shit!

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?


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