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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve
heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Q: What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
A: Santa pause!

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And we were all in a hurry.
No one had seen Rudolph,
Santa started to worry.

We looked everywhere both high and low,
And we knew we needed Rudolph for the big show.
When he was found he looked sickly and pale,
He said that he partied too hard and spent 3 days in jail.

Santa told Rudolph the big night was here,
So go take a shower and put down the beer.
That’s when Rudolph told Santa, “I don’t think I can!”
And Santa said but you have to, “Cause I love you, man”

“And if you don’t listen to what I’m telling you,
Tomorrow for lunch we’ll have Reindeer stew!”
So Rudolph said, “Fine, let’s pack up and go.
But before we do there’s something you should know.”

“This is the last year I’ll pull your damn sled,
Because after this I’m retiring to bed.”
The day after Christmas Santa threw a big feast,
We had cakes and pies and even roast beef.

But then with a sly grin Santa said we should try something new,
Mrs. Claus has cooked all day and made us some stew.
We ate and we drank ’til they turned the lights off,
But none seemed to know what ever happened to Rudolph.

We here at the North Pole we’ll miss his red nose,
It’s still a big mystery that only Santa knows!

Q: Did you hear about the author elf?

A: He only wrote short stories!

Q: What do you call a fear of being trapped in a chimney with a fat man?

A: Santa Claustrophobia!

© 2015