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Q: What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
A: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L)!

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d’oeuvre.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvre.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” gulping down other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d’oeuvre in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d’oeuvre smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is eggnog spiked with grain alcohol.

Every year you’re bound to hear some youngster say, “I wish that Christmas would last all year.”

What they don’t know is that it does.

Wait ’til they grow-up & have to pay off the credit cards.

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.”

“These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.”

“I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.”

“When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.”

“Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.”

“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Q: What do you call the reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?

A: Call him anything you like – he won’t hear you!



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