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1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

5. I know when you’ve been bad or good … so let’s skip the small talk, sister!

6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

7. Interested in seeing the “North Pole”? (Well, that’s what the Mrs. calls it)

8. I see you when you’re sleeping … and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?

9. Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “naughty” list!

10. Wanna join the “Mile High” club?

Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to you Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide melt down (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).

So, here’s my holiday wish list for 2000. . .

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man … maybe GI JOE. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90′s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie,” sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours Truly,
Barbie

December 1 – Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 – Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 – Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 – Debug Windows ’98

December 10 – Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 – Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 – Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 – Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 – Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 – Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 – Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.

December 19 – Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 – Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 – Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 – Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 – Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 – Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 – Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.

December 26 – Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 – Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28 – Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.

December 29 – Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.

December 30 – Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.

December 31 – New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What is Tarzan’s favorite Christmas carol?

A: “Jungle Bells”.



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