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Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality – We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Dementia – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.

Narcissitic – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town … or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

Paranoia – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.

Depression – Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedoni
A. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

Obsessive Compulsive – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell…

Borderline Personality – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

Passive Aggressive – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

(Read this with a thick Brooklyn Italian accent)

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”

When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin’ reindeer!

Wit’ slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit’ a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me ‘side da head.

“What da hell you doin’
Pullin’ a gun on da Don?
Now all you’re gettin’ is coal,
You friggin’ moron!”

Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin’,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
“Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!”

Q: Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer?

A: Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.



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