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Q: Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?

A: In the dictionary!

10. Vibrators — Surprise Mom this Christmas with a gift she can enjoy all year long!

9. Fart Fresheners — Kinda like odor eaters for yer asshole.

8. Gift Certificates To Your Local Whorehouse — Did anyone say STD? It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

7. Pit Bulls — These dogs make great pets…and are great for warding off unwanted law enforcement officers!

6. Pepper Spray — The kids can play some funny pranks at school with this!

5. Jock Straps — They’re definitely becoming a fashion MUST!!!

4. Crack Pipes — Grandma will LOVE her new crackpipe! (or did she want a crock pot???)

3. Mouse Balls — It never hurts to have a couple extra balls for your PC mouse…just in case.

2. Crotchless Long Johns — Eskimos say there’s nothing sexier than seeing their wives or girlfriends in crotchless long johns.

1. KY Jelly — It’s cheap, and everyone loves a well-lubed rodgering from time to time.

(To the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Sea gulls sing, are you listen’nin?
At the beach, surf is glist’nin’,|
A beautiful sight, a sunset tonight,
Walkin’ in the winter wonderland.

Stored away are the snow skis,
Here we stay in our short sleeves,
You sing a new song, “This is where we belong!”
Livin’ in a winter wonderland.

In the yard we can trim a palm tree,
Then pretend to shovel lots of snow,
You’ll say, “Do you miss it? I’ll say, “No ma’am.”
“I feel better by the moment don’t you know.”

Later on we’ll conspire,
To grill some shrimp on the fire,
The plans we have made include sun and some shade,
Walkin’ in the winter wonderland!

© 2015