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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.

He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: “My name is Santa…the last name is Claus.”
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:

“This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.”
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.

It searched in its memory core, trying to “think”;
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:

“Your eyes – how they twinkle – your dimples so merry…
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile – all these things, I’ve been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;”

“But your name and your address (computers can’t lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You’ve a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly.”

“My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you’re not in my program, you cannot exist!”
Old Santa just chuckled a merry “ho, ho,”
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.

The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this “data” to the machine:
“Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone’s cheer;

But you won’t get anything – that’s plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me.”
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
“Merry Christmas to all,” as he pulled out its plug!

Q: What do angry mice send at Christmas?

A: Cross mouse cards.

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?

A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow – damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won’t clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I’m so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my ass to the seat. I’m allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS, my ass!

Santa

Q: What has four legs, a hump, and is found at the North Pole?

A: A lost camel!



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