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Q: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

A: Forty feet of track – all straight!

Q; If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile-toe!

Q: What game do reindeer play in their stalls?

A: Stable-tennis!

1. You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes.
2. You’re serving reindeer pot pie.
3. When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?” you scream, “No! I’m not listening! So SHUT UP!!”
4. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun.
5. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
6. Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies.
7. You’re busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
8. You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears.
9. Your standard response, “And happy holidays to you too, you moron!”
10. Two words: tinsel rash.

A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her husband had lost all interest in sex and all the various doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason.

In desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help. He responded by giving her special sex pills. He told her that if she put one pill in her husbands dinner then they would have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned her never to use more than one.

The woman was skeptical but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked! The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for an entire month.

One day she thought, “Well all this sex has been great, but what would happen if I gave him all the pills at once…” So, completely forgetting Santa’s warning she slipped all the remaining pills in her husband’s dinner.

Several months later Santa decided to check up on the woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy answered the phone and Santa asked him how his mother was enjoying the gift. The little boy said, “So you’re the one who sent the pills… well, Mommy’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and Daddy’s up in the attic going “Here kitty, kitty!”

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