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Oh, you’d better not bitch
And you better not moan
Or be an asshole at the office
or a bugger at home
‘Cause Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you’re sleazy
He knows when you’re pissed off
He knows if you’re a big sad-sack,
So you better clean up your act.

Oh, you better stay happy
and you better stay cool
Don’t jerk around your pals
or act like a fool,

‘Cause Santa won’t like it,
and for Christmas you’ll get jack shit!

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?

A: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L)!

ATTENTION: ALL COUNTRY BROADCAST

** CODE RED ************ INTERPOL ALERT ************ CODE RED **

All units are to be on the lookout for the following individual(s) that are WANTED by an agencies within the United States of Americ
A. The US State Department has expressed interest in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the world.

NAME: Kringle, Christopher
Also Known As: Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick

Race: Unknown

Height: 6′ 0″

Weight: 320 lbs

Scars/tattoos: Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas.

Last seen wearing Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat with white tassel. Known to be driving a 1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle was displaying a red light on the front in violation of State of Alaska Vehicle Traffic Law.

Wanted for the following criminal violations:

Being jolly in a No Jolly zone, breaking and entering dwellings, leaving un-addressed packages in violation of US Postal Laws,

Intentional dumping of reindeer feces in sewer drains in violation of US EPA Laws, unlawful crossing of US Borders without reporting the crossing to US Customs, failure to obtain a non-resident work permit from INS, operating a motor vehicle that is not in compliance with US DOT Regulations, unlawful work practice in violation of the Equal Opportunity laws of the USA (will not employ people taller than (4. four feet in height), excess noise from motor vehicle in violation of State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic Laws (Sounds of HO HO HO coming from within vehicle), failure to respond to repeated request for identification by FAA Flight controllers, and also in violation of the sovereign airspace of the United States of America.

Individual is known to force Goodwill and Peace among all men/women. Has been know to assault people with vicious bouts of laugh and fun. If contact is made with above individual, caution should be taken as to not become happy and gay, especially with thoughts of sugar plums. Detain individual and contact either Detective Grinch, North Pole Police Dept. Alaska, Or Special Agent Scrooge of the Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”



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