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Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn’t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can’t even walk into his house.

Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I’ll fuck you up. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that fucking bike. Fuck you, Santa. Next year you’ll find out how bad I can be, you fat son-of-a-bitch!

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows ’98.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Q: What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
A: Santa Claustrophobia!

* Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.

* You’ve somehow convinced yourself that “Visa burn” entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.

* You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.

* At 95% off, you don’t care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not — your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!

* Sure, the sign says “1 Furby per customer”, but they’re probably not doing body cavity searches.

* The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.

* On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.

* In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.

* Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheeto’s bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures.

* The producer of “American Gladiators” calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.

* Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.

* Currently spending more time at “Amazon.com” than at “AmazonWomen.com”

* Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.

* You hike up your skirt in front of the Toys ‘R’ Us manager, and in a throaty moan utter, “Wanna trade Furbies?”

Q: What do elephants sing at Christmas?
A: No-elephants, no-elephants!



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