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* Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.

* You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.

* You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

* Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.

* Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.

* Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.

* You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.

* You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.

* Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.

* Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.

* Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

* You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.

* Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.

* You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

* Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.

* Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir (Red Neck version).

* Your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn ornaments with egg nog.

* Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

* You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

* You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

* You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.

* You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children.

* You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends.

* You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.

* At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.

* You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own.

* After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.

* You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).

3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Q: Who delivers cat’s Christmas presents?

A: Santa Paws!

Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A: A pineapple!

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And we were all in a hurry.
No one had seen Rudolph,
Santa started to worry.

We looked everywhere both high and low,
And we knew we needed Rudolph for the big show.
When he was found he looked sickly and pale,
He said that he partied too hard and spent 3 days in jail.

Santa told Rudolph the big night was here,
So go take a shower and put down the beer.
That’s when Rudolph told Santa, “I don’t think I can!”
And Santa said but you have to, “Cause I love you, man”

“And if you don’t listen to what I’m telling you,
Tomorrow for lunch we’ll have Reindeer stew!”
So Rudolph said, “Fine, let’s pack up and go.
But before we do there’s something you should know.”

“This is the last year I’ll pull your damn sled,
Because after this I’m retiring to bed.”
The day after Christmas Santa threw a big feast,
We had cakes and pies and even roast beef.

But then with a sly grin Santa said we should try something new,
Mrs. Claus has cooked all day and made us some stew.
We ate and we drank ’til they turned the lights off,
But none seemed to know what ever happened to Rudolph.

We here at the North Pole we’ll miss his red nose,
It’s still a big mystery that only Santa knows!

© 2015