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December 7, 2002 – Somewhere Santa is weeping. It’s time we all found out just who is being naughty this Christmas season, and I am here to tell you. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has put the fear of God, uh, pardon me, the fear of “a higher power that may or may not exist” into schools and towns all across Americ
A. If you get involved with this Christmas thing, the ACLU might sue you.

At the South Orange Middle School in New Jersey, a sixth-grade class was all set to see the play “A Christmas Carol,” written by that well-known religious zealot Charles Dickens. But according to the Associated Press (AP), school officials canceled an outing to see the play and replaced it with a show called “The Great Railroad Race.”

The school’s principal, Kirk Smith, told the AP “there is a great sensitivity to putting students in awkward situations.” Apparently, some parents complained about “A Christmas Carol” because they thought it had something to do with Christmas, and we can’t have that in a public school, can we? Even though Christmas is a federal holiday, we can’t really be discussing the meaning of the day because of sensitivity concerns. Is this insane or what?

The reason that the South Orange Middle School and many other places across the country are so frightened of a day that is designed to promote generosity and peace on earth is that Jesus Christ is involved. Jesus, you see, is not acceptable in the public discourse, according to the ACLU and other misguided groups.

Never mind the fact that Jesus was a great philosopher and many of his tenets influenced the Founding Fathers in their construction of our Constitution. Never mind the fact that President Ulysses S. Grant declared Christmas a public, secular holiday in 1870 to celebrate a philosophy of “goodwill toward men.”

No, now we in America have to live in fear of being sued by organizations that seek to suppress any kind of religious display in the public aren
A. For two hundred years, the United States celebrated Christmas without any intrusion from the courts. Was anyone harmed? Were anyone’s rights trampled? All that happened was happiness for millions of American children.

Here’s how ridiculous this whole thing is. In Covington, Ga., the school board removed the word “Christmas” from the school calendar.

In St. Paul, Minn., red poinsettias were banned from a display at the county courthouse. And in hundreds of towns across the country, nativity scenes have been banned on public property. But a constitutional loophole exists that has the ACLU in a panic. According to a Supreme Court decision in the case of Lynch versus Donnelly, any kind of Christmas religious scene can be displayed on public property if a secular symbol is also in sight. So you can have a nativity scene if you have one of the wise men carrying a candy cane. I’m not kidding. The Supreme Court has found a way to get around the hammer that the concept of church and state separation has become in the hands of Americans that are offended by public religious depictions.

But my question is, where have all the wise men gone? These days, we in America are reduced to finding loopholes in the Constitution in order to celebrate a federal holiday, the birthday of a man, Jesus, who believed that all men should love one another.

So, this Christmas season, while you are out shopping, stop for a moment and think about why we the people have given the store away to special interest groups that are attacking cherished traditions and legal holidays in the name of freedom.

Somewhere, Santa Claus is weeping. But if he’s on public property, I hope the ACLU doesn’t get him for trespassing.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they’d all still be there.

Me and this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag on her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!

I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin’ fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.

He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin’, to steal my TV!

Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * bam * with a pipe!

He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn’t see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who I’d hit, I near started to cry.

I said, “Hey ‘yo Santa, I’m sorry all right?”
“Not for nuttin’, he said, but this just ain’t my night!
I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns.
Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf’s got the runs…”

“I’m out all freakin’ night, I’m bustin’ my hump.
But I can’t finish now, not with this lump!
So do me a favor, and be a real pal.
Take over for me…be Santa Sal.”

I say, ‘Yo! I’m from Brooklyn, I ain’t right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I couldn’t refuse.
Stop at every house….except for the Jews!

I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didn’t want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin’ my date.

That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don’t believe that…hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, ’cause he’s fat, and he’s old.

I’m his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don’t you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
“Merry Christmas to all, thanks a lot…eh – shutup!”

‘Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
I felt like the devil, and so did my spouse.

The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,
But ten hours later they sure gave me hell.

The stockings weren’t hung by the chimney with care.
The darn things were sprawled on the back of a chair.

The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
And I had a large cake of ice on my head.

When at long last I dozed off in a nap,
The ice woke me up as it fell in my lap.

For some unknown reason I wanted a drink,
So I started in feeling my way to the sink.

I got along fine ’til I stepped on the cat.
I cannot recall what occurred after that.

When I came to, the house was all flooded with light,
Although under the table I was high as a kite.

While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
I somehow got up and climbed back into bed.

Then what to my wandering mind should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

Then the sleigh seemed to change to a mammoth fire truck,
And each reindeer turned into a bleary-eyed buck.

I knew in a moment it must be old Nick.
I tried to cry out, but my tongue was too thick.

The old devil whistled and shouted with glee,
While each buck pawed the earth and looked daggers at me.

Then he called them by name and the names made me shudder.
When I heard them I felt like a ship minus rudder.

“Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Four Roes! and Brandy!
Now Fruit Cake! Cold Turkey! Gin Rickey! and Candy!

To the top of his house, to the top of his skull,
Now whack away, crack it with thumps that are dull!”

And then in a twinkling I felt on my roof
The prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.

How long this went on I am sure I can’t say,
Though it seemed an eternity plus a long day.

But finally the night after Christmas had passed,
And I found that I really could think straight at last.

So I thought of the New Year and few days away,
And I made me a vow that no tempter can sway.

I’m sticking to water, don’t even want ice,
For there’s nothing so tasty, or nothing so nice.

The night after New Year may bother some guys,
But I’ve learned my lesson, and brother, I’m wise.

You can have your rich food, and your liquor that’s red,
But what goes to my stomach won’t go to my head.

So here’s “Happy New Year” to you one and all.
I’m back on the wagon. I hope I don’t fall.

‘Twas the week before Xmas, the sunlight was pale.
The presents I ordered are not in the mail.
The payments were made a full month in advance,
or early enough to leave little to chance.

When what to my wandering mind should transpire,
but the prospect of tag via telephone wire
with an answering service who doesn’t know squat,
and an outstanding check, and a balance of WHAT?

It’s too late to hassle, and nothing else works.
I can’t send a present, for dealing with jerks.
But if the mail-order will get the stuff here,
I’ll try to have something in time for next year.

Q: What has fins, a tail, and is mailed to you at Christmas?

A: A Christmas cod!



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