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Every year you’re bound to hear some youngster say, “I wish that Christmas would last all year.”

What they don’t know is that it does.

Wait ’til they grow-up & have to pay off the credit cards.

10. Pickle Me Elmo
Have hours of fun getting sauced with Sesame Street’s Lovable red hooch monger. Johnny Walker Black included.

9. “Aberdeen Army” Barbie
A modern military lady with a slight limp and a story to tell. “Sodomy Sergeant” Ken sold separately.

8. Nintendo 666
It’s not a video game system … it’s a gateway straight to Hell! Invite your friends over for a game of Super Mario and have hours of fun sacrificing them to your new dark master. Redemption NOT included.

7. Microsoft’s “TWA 800″ Flight Simulator
Enjoy seconds of fun as you pilot a commercial airliner into eternity! Comes on one 3.5 floppy and takes up only the memory of the friends and family. This is diffidently a “smoking” flight!

6. GI Joe “Mission to Bosnia” Play Set
Join Joe and his mercenary pals as they fly thousands of miles, set up camp, and then do absolutely nothing! The set comes with bright blue, easy-to-target-with-a-sniper-rife helmets and fully “unloaded” M-16s.

5. Pedophile Theater Presents “Boy Story” on home video
Toy’s don’t always come to life …. but sometimes “Uncle Ernie” comes over to baby-sit.

4. Michael Jordan “Space Scam” Action Figure
It’s a small piece of plastic that doesn’t do squat but you’ll feel just like your dealing with the real MJ because it cost’s 25 million dollars and you only get to keep it till next Christmas.

3. “Gates-opoly” from Parker Brothers
Just like the old “Monopoly” but only one person can play and you start the game with all the property on the board and all the money in the bank. You then spend the next few fun filled hours trying to buy or destroy all of the other Parker Brothers board games.

2. XXX-Files Action Figures
Now you can do what Mulder and Scully should a been doing many season’s ago…. rutting like wild boars in heat! No UFO’s. No bigfoot. No scar-faced, telepathic serial killers…. just hours of meaningless sex in a cheap hotel on the FBI’s Amex card. The truth may be “out there” but the quality lovin’ is “right here”.

1. Disney Automobile Air Bags
Fast moving, potentially lethal car safety equipment adorned with all your favorite Disney characters! Watch your child’s last moment’s on Earth be filled with joy as he is greeted head on by a smiling, 200 mph visage of Mickey, Minnie, Donald or Goofy! (BayWatch and Seinfeld characters available for small adults).

Santa: “So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?”
Girl: “I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe.”
Santa: “Doesn’t Barbie always come with Ken?”
Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken.”

Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas!
Doctor: You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia.

Q: What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

A: Cross-mouse cards!



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