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Who ordered all this nauseating cheer?
I’ve had Christmas up to here!
I’m mad and I’m not gonna take it anymore.
So here’s the little plot I’ve got in store:

Up on the roof with nails and saws,
I’ll build a trap for Santa Claus,
And when he lands in that hokey slay
I’ll make this Christmas crud go away.

Ho Ho Ho, you’d better know
I’ve got a way to make it so!
Up on the housetop click, click, click
Throw a big bag over old Saint Nick!

Down from the roof top out in back
Santa, Reindeer, sleigh and pack,
Watch his Yuletide spirits droop
With juggles locked in the chicken coop.

Ho Ho Ho, you’ve gotta know
Fatso’s tied up head to toe!
This little plan will work because
I’m gonna kidnap Santa Claus!

All of you kiddies are out of luck.
This year’s Christmas one dead duck.
Let all the little brats scream and shout
I ain’t never letting Fatso out!

Ho Ho Ho, won’t let him go.
Not for even tons of dough!
I can’t dream of a scene so nice
When I go and put Fuzzy Face on ice!

Bye bye to sleigh bells that gave me grief.
Bye bye to caroling what a relief.
Best of all that blasted cheer
Won’t be annoying me again next year!

Ho Ho Ho, now you know
Dear old Santa has to go!
Without Fatso it’s understood
Christmas is history and gone for good!

1 or 2 Quarts Rum
1 TSP Sugar
1 Cup Dried Fruit
1 TSP Baking Powder
1 TSP Baking Soda
1 Cup Butter
1 TSP Lemon Juice
2 Large Eggs
Nuts
Brown Sugar

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn’t it?

Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality – try another cup. Open the second quart of rum, if necessary.

Add two arge leggs, two cups of fried druit and beat until high. If the druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift free cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn’t matter).

Sample the bum again.

Sift one pine of lemon juice. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.

Check the thum again and go to bed.

‘Twas the night before Christmas all through the White House,
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed,
dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy’s head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed,
had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
all drunken and rowdy ’twas Newt and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
“It’s a raid boys!” he cried, “Quick, go hide my stash!”

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow,
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
When what to Bill’s frantic eyes should appear,
but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer.

With a big House leader, all lively and fat:
He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT!
As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came, and Bill
recognized them and called them by name.

“Hey Helms, Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it’s time for a bash!”
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
“Let’s listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!”

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer,
“Screw health care and Haiti, it’s time to drink beer!”
When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot,
as Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand,
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
the rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom.
“We’ll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!
More welfare, more taxes, we’ll still get the votes!”

And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines.
They cheered, “It doesn’t matter, we’re all bastard swines!”
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap,
and they took turns sitting on the President’s lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
and awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear.
While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the partiers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
“A merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!”

Q: How many chimnies does Father Christmas go down

A: Stacks!

1 or 2 Quarts Rum
1 TSP Sugar
1 Cup Dried Fruit
1 TSP Baking Powder
1 TSP Baking Soda
1 Cup Butter
1 TSP Lemon Juice
2 Large Eggs
Nuts
Brown Sugar

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn’t it?

Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality – try another cup. Open the second quart of rum, if necessary.

Add two arge leggs, two cups of fried druit and beat until high. If the druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift free cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn’t matter).

Sample the bum again.

Sift one pine of lemon juice. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.

Check the thum again and go to bed.



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