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11. It’s on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.

3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

It was Christmas Eve Night, and throughout the whole house,
No creature was sober, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung from the mantel with care,
And I was hung too, hung like a bear.

My wife and I done with shopping, us both out of cash,
Had just settled down for a good piece of ass.

My daughter and her boyfriend were getting it on,
And my son was watching porn while slapping his schlong.

Grandpa was trying his best to make himself stiff,
So he could fulfill Grandma’s Christmas wish.

When out in the yard, there was such a strange sound,
I jumped out of bed and my boner went down.

Straight to the window I really hauled ass,
Opened the curtains and pressed my face to the glass.

And what to my drunken eyes did appear,
But a crappy old sleigh and a bunch of reindeer.

And a large bearded guy scratching his balls,
I knew right away it was Santa Claus.

Slower than shit the reindeer they came,
He cussed and he screamed as he called them bad names…

“Hey Dickhead, hey Shithead, up over that tree,
and next time, wait till we land to pee!”

Q: What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They get blown out on the same day every year.

Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A: A pineapple!

Q: But what about his chimp?

A: King Kong merrily on high, of course!

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