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A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, “Water … please … can you give … water …”

“I’m sorry,” replies the man on the camel, “I don’t have any water with me. But I’d be delighted to sell you a necktie.”

“Necktie?” whispers the man. “I need water!”

“They’re only four dollars apiece.”

“I need water.”

“Okay, okay, two for seven dollars.”

“Please! I need water!” the man exclaims.

“I don’t have any water, all I have are ties,” replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance.

By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of strength, he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter.

“Water … can I get … water,” the dying man pleads.

“I’m sorry, sir. Neckties required,” replies the waiter.

Here’s a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:

A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira’s ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn’t smooth enough.

Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?

A: Just spell “Evian” backwards!

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven’t seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests’ minds that you can’t fail to exceed!



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