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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.

The head waiter brings the bill and she’s horrified to see the total: 150 bucks!

She didn’t expect this at all and asks the waiter, “Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?”

The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he’s never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.

She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, “I’m sorry to bother you Miss but I’d like to know why you asked me to do that just now.”

“Oh it’s quite simple really,” she replies. “I love to have my breasts held when I’m being screwed!”

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when they’re depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think it’s too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

don’t celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d’oeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.



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