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Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

MONDAY:

Breakfast – Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth

Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.

Afternoon snack – Drink the maalox

Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.

TUESDAY:

Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw

Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.

WEDNESDAY:

Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s

Lunch – Rolaids and a coke

Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

THURSDAY:

Breakfast – Order out for pizza

Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

FRIDAY:

Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.

Lunch – Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

SATURDAY:

Breakfast – Sleep through it.

Lunch – Ditto

Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

SUNDAY:

Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.

Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

Definition of ‘Outdoor Barbecuing’ – the only type of cooking a real man will do.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, and places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off’. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

I thought you were trying to get into shape?

I am. The shape I’ve selected is a triangle.

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”



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