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Moishe is 75 years old and goes for a medical. After the examination, his doctor says to him, “You’re in remarkable shape for a man of your age.”
“I know it,” said Moishe, “but I’ve got a problem. My sex drive is too high. Have you got anything you can give me for it?”
The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?” he gasped.
“My sex drive,” repeated Moishe, “is too high and I’d like you to lower it.”
“Lower it?” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what his 75 year old patient was saying. “Just what do you consider high?”
“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, doctor,” replies Moishe, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students… here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was “DON’T!”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
“Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!”
” No Way!”
“Yes way!”
“Do NOT eat the fruit! ” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I am your Father and I said so! ” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? ” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you? ” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve.
“She started it! ” Adam said.
“Did not! ”
“Did too! ”
“DID NOT! ”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT
SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!

My 13 discoveries of old age

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and bran flakes.
3. I finally got my head together. Unfortunately, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It’s easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
10. It’s not hard to meet expenses–they’re everywhere.
11. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
12. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
13. I am unable to remember if I emailed this to you before.

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended
up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, “My wife Sadie visits me
three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads
to me at the bedside.”
“What does she read?” asks Morris.
“My life insurance policy.”

Moshe and Sadie are in the theatre enjoying the latest West End play when Moshe suddenly leans over to Sadie and whispers in her ear, “I just did a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
Sadie whispers back, “I think you should put a new battery in your hearing aid.”



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