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It seems that a young man in Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He decided to start in New York and head west.

He enters a large cathedral in New York and notices a golden phone with a sign that reads “$10,000/minute.” Intrigued, he asked the the pastor what the deal was. The pastor explained that this phone was a direct line to heaven and you could personally speak to God. The young man moved on to the next church.

As he went through church after church moving across the country, he saw the same phone with the same sign. Finally, he entered a church in Arizona. And again, he saw the same phone, but this time it had a sign that read “Calls: $0.25/each.” The young man asked the local pastor what this phone was for.

“This is a direct line to heaven, and you can speak directly to God,” replied the pastor.

“Yes, but all of the other phones in all of the other churches were $10,000/minute. Why is this one only 25 cents for a call?” questioned the young man.

“Well you’re in Arizona now, so this is a local call.”

Sam, who is learning the tailor’s trade by working in his father’s shop, has been attending to a customer for almost 30 minutes when he goes over to his father and whispers, “Dad, my customer wants to buy a shirt and has tried on our top-of-the-range Baleboss shirt, you know, the un-shrinkable silk and cashmere version. He wants to know whether the shirt will shrink. What shall I tell him?”
“So nu, does it fit him?” says his father.
“No,” replies Sam, “between you and I, it’s a bit too large for him.”
“So go tell him it will shrink.”

Tony owns a local car repair garage. One day, Martin, one of his customers, arrives to pick up his car. Tony goes over to him, shakes his hand and says, “I’d just like to say thanks for your patronage. I wish I had 10 customers like you.”
“Wow! It’s nice to hear you say that,” says Martin, “but why are you thanking me? You know I always argue with your prices and I always complain about the work you do on my car.”
“I know,” says Harry, “but Id still like 10 customers like you – the trouble is I have at least 50 like you.”

There was a tailor named Mendel and he was worried about his business. Mendel was down to his last $50 and was torn between buying a sign and getting food for his family. Mendel decided to pray.
“Dear G-D,” he said, “I don’t know what to do. If I buy
a sign it may bring in business, but I need to buy groceries for my family… and if the sign doesn’t bring in sales, we will starve.
G-D replied, “Mendel buy the sign. Don’t worry, your family won’t starve.”
So, Mendel bought the sign and business took off. The tailor fed his family and all was well. However, as time passed it became evident that Mendel couldn’t keep up with orders all by himself. He contemplated hiring on a helper, but wondered if he could afford it. So, he asked G-D if getting help would be a prudent move.
“Go ahead,” G-D tells Mendel, “hire some help, you’ll do okay.”
And so Mendel did. And business took off beyond his wildest dreams. After a time, the tailor decided to move to a larger site that would accommodate the growing demands of his business. As he surveyed certain locations, he found a perfect storefront, but the rental price was really steep.
“G-D” Mendel again prayed, “I found the perfect place to relocate my business. But the cost of the lease worries me. I don’t want to get in over my head.”
“Go ahead and a get a lease on the store, Mendel,” said G-D. “Trust me, you’ll be okay – I haven’t steered you wrong yet, have I?”
So Mendel signed a lease on the 5th Avenue store and profits from his business went through the roof. Out of heartfelt gratitude, Mendel proposed to the Almighty that he dedicate the store to Him.
“How do you like the name “Yaweh and Mendel,” the tailor asked.
“Nah,” G-D said. “Let’s go with ‘Lord and Taylor.’”‘

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey, Luigi. How was’a da treep?”
Luigi said, “Ever’thing was’a perfect except for da train’a ride down.”
“What’a you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we board’a da train at Grand Central’a Station. My beautiful’a Virginia had packed a big’a basket a food with vino and cigars for’a me, and’a we were looking ‘aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got’a hungry and opened up’a da lunch’a basket.
“The conductor came by, wagged his’a finger at us and’a say, ‘No eat in dese’a car. Must’a use’a dining car.’
“So, me and my beautiful’a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big’a lunch and begin to open’a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his’a finger and say, ‘No drink’a in dese’a car. Must’a use’a club’a car.’
“So we go to club’a car. While’a drinking vino, I start to light’a my big’a cigar. The conductor, he wag’a his finger again and say, ‘No smoke’a in dese’a car. Must’a go to smoker car.’
“We go to smoker car and I smoke’a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and’a go to bed.
We just about to have’a sex and the conductor, he come’a through car yelling, ‘NO-FOLK’A, VIRGINIA!’”

© 2015