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Crash Course in Speaking Chinese – Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan’s Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

David asks his wife Renee, “I was just wondering, darling, what part of me do you like the most? Is it my handsome, rugged face or my hard, muscular body, or what?”
Renee scans him from head to toe, then replies, “I like your sense of humour.”

You know your mother is Jewish when

* She cries at your bris – because you’re not engaged already.
* She shouts “Mazeltov.” – every time she hears some crockery break.
* She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items at sale prices.
* She calls you many times a day before 10am – because she wants to ask you how your day is going.
* She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday – because where else can she put the hotel’s face cloths, soaps, shampoos, bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners?
* She cries at your Barmitzvah – because you’re not engaged already.
* She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment – so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.
* She won’t let you leave home without a coat and some advice on dating – because ‘mother knows best’.
* She takes restaurant leftovers home with her – “I should throw away?”
* She cries on your 21st birthday – because you’re not engaged already.
* She’s serves you chopped liver every week – because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped liver.
* She makes an extra shabbos table setting – because you just might have met your beshert on the way over.
* She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper in Tel Aviv.
* She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life – as long as it includes grandchildren.
* She’s regularly heard muttering – “Is one grandchild too much to ask for?”

Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it’s probably the last time he’ll put his foot down.

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s somethin’ I can’t figure out.”
“What’s that Joey?” asked Mr. Goldblatt.
“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“An’ the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?”
“Er – right.”
“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you’re right.”
“An’ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an’ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ somethin’ important, right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed Mr. Goldblatt. “So what’s your question?”
“What I wanna know is this,” asked Joey, “What wuz the grown-ups doin’ all that time?”

© 2015