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Rabbi Levy was running behind with his daily schedule because he had attended a number of unforeseen events. His next port of call was Mrs. Gold. As soon as he arrived at the nursing home, the matron said, “Rabbi, Mrs. Gold has been waiting to see you all day. She was afraid you had forgotten all about her.”
The Rabbi apologized, and went straight to Mrs. Gold’s room. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and after he had said a few words of encouragement to her, she began to talk about her day. Whilst he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her, so he interrupted and asked her if she would mind if he took a few of the peanuts.
“No, of course not,” she replied and continued talking at length about her day.
A few minutes later, Rabbi Levy interrupted her again and said, “Mrs. Gold, I’m sorry but I’ve eaten almost all of your peanuts.”
Mrs. Gold smiled at him and said, “Don’t worry about it Rabbi, I can’t eat peanuts – I just like to nibble the chocolate off them.”

A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, “I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Moishe Levy, taxi driver, of London.”
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, “OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Now it’s the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for forty years.”
Gabriel looks at his list and says to the Rabbi, “OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Hold on a minute,” says Rabbi Himmelfarb, “that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?”
“Up here, we only work by results,” says Gabriel. “While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people prayed.”

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

Shaggy buffalo story
A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz.
“So, nu,” says Minihorowitz, “You’ll never believe.”
“What?” says Pocayenta.
“Today, at high noon, someone proposed to me.”
“So what did you say?” says Pocayenta.”
“I said yes”
“That’s wonderful,” says Pocayenta. “She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married.”
“I heard,” says Geronowitz, “I’m kvelling. So who’s the lucky boy?”
“Sittin’ Bialy.”
“Sittin’ Bialy?” says Pocayenta,” of the SoSiouxMe tribe?”
“That’s the one,” says Minihorowitz.
“Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe’s! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?”
“We’ll think of something,” says Geronowitz.
“Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo.”
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed.
“Geronowitz I’ve been worried sick. Where have you been? Where’s my buffalo?”
“It’s like this,” he says. “On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter’s wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so myself, it was the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz’s wedding.
So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo’s neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it.”
“See what?” says Pocayenta.
“I’ve brought the dairy tomahawk!”

Hyman is dying and his wife Faye is at his bedside in hospital. She’s holding his fragile hand and with tears running down her face starts to pray. But her praying awakens Hyman. He looks up at her and with pale lips hardly moving whispers, “Is that you, Faye?”
“Yes, darling, it’s me,” she replies, “but dont talk. You need to rest.”
But Hyman wants to get something off his chest. “Faye,” he whispers, “I have a confession to make.”
“It’s OK, darling,” she weeps, “theres nothing to confess, really. Everythings fine. Now go to sleep.”
“No, Faye, I must die in peace. I slept with your sister and I slept with your best friend. There, I’ve got it off my chest.”
“I know, darling,” says Faye, “now be quiet and let the poison work.”

© 2015