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Abie and Moishe ran a Judaica shop on Delancy Street on the Lower East Side of NY for 33 years. Their once thriving business was doing poorly because almost all the Jews moved away and the neighborhood was now Hispanic.
Abie came up with a novel idea. Why not sell Catholic goods so they could stay in business?
Moishe agreed. So, Abie called up a Catholic good supply house on Park Avenue and placed his order. He said:
“Catholic Supply House. I’d like 100 rosary beads, 50 autographed pictures, and 75 crucifixes”.
The supply house representative confirmed the order and then said:
“Do you vant the crucifixes mit Jesus or mitout Jesus? By the way, we don’t deliver on Saturdays. We’re closed for Shabbos.

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________

What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You’re not sure what “rain” is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof virtual window on your left.

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

One day, as Isaac Levy is driving home, a lorry crashes into his car. He’s very lucky and suffers only moderate injuries. Nevertheless, he’s off work for two months. As a result, he contacts a Personal Injury lawyer who, after hearing the details, recommends that Isaac take the lorry driver to court for dangerous driving. Isaac agrees.
A few weeks later, Isaac arrives in Court and soon he’s in the witness box answering questions thrown at him by the lorry driver’s very aggressive defence lawyer.
“Mr Levy,” asks the lawyer, “did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Vell, I’ll tell you exactly vot happened at the scene of the accident,” replies Isaac. “I had only just put my dog Cindy into the – ”
“Mr Levy,” interrupts the lawyer, “I didn’t ask you for any details. All I need from you is a simple answer to my question – did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, thank you, I’m fine’?”
“Vell,” replies Isaac, “as I vas saying, I just got mine Cindy into my car and vas driving down the road ven – ”
“Mr Levy!” Once again the lawyer interrupts Isaac. This time, the lawyer turns to the judge and says, “Your
Honour, I’m trying to establish an important fact. This man told the Police Officer at the scene of the accident that he was just fine. Now he’s trying to sue my client. I believe, your Honour, that Mr Levy is a liar. Please tell him to simply answer my question.”
But the Judge is now interested in Isaac’s reply and says to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what Mr Levy has to say about his dog Cindy.”
On hearing this, Isaac continues, “Vell, like I vas saying, your Lordship, I put mine Cindy, mine vunderful, friendly Cindy, into the car and drove off. But within minutes, a large lorry vent across a red light and crashed into my car. I vas trapped by mine legs and vas in pain. Den I heard mine Cindy moaning and whimpering. Oy, it vas the vorst sound I haf ever heard and I knew she vas seriously hurt. Then the police arrived. Vun of them heard mine lovely Cindy whimpering so he vent over to her, saw vat terrible condition she vas in, took out his gun and shoots mine Cindy dead. Den the policeman walks over to me in my car and I see he’s still holding his gun. He looks at me and says, ‘How are you feeling?’ So nu, your Lordship, vat vould you haf said?”

The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
“How do you account for your longevity?” asked the reporter.
“You could say that I am a health nut,” Benjy answered. “I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o’clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I’ve always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow.”
“But,” said the reporter, “my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn’t work for him?”
“All I can say,” replied Benjy, “is that he didn’t keep it up long enough.”

© 2015