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Abe runs into his old friend Hymiein Miami and yells, “Lipshitz, how’ve you been.” Hymie whispers, “My name isn’t Hymie Lipshitz any more. I’ve changed it to C.R. Eldrich.” “”Where did you get such a fancy name from,” asks Abe. Hymie replies, “Do you remember when we lived on the East Side in new York? I lived on Eldrich Street and alwasys thougt it was a classy name so I took it for myself!” Abe says, “And from where did you get the CR?” Hymie replies, “From the Corner of Rivington!”

Abe went to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I would be grateful if you could explain the Talmud to me.”
“Very well, Abe,” said the Rabbi, “First, I need to ask you a simple question.”
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
“The dirty one,” replied Abe.
“No, Abe. They look at each other. The dirty man thinks he is clean but the clean man thinks he is dirty and washes.”
“Now another question,” said the Rabbi.
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
Abe smiled, “You just told me that one, Rabbi. The clean man, because he thinks he is dirty.”
“No, Abe.” said the Rabbi. “They each look at themselves. The clean man knows he doesn’t have to wash and the dirty man washes himself.”
“Now one final question,” said the Rabbi.
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other one comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
This time Abe frowned, “I don’t know, Rabbi. It could be either one, depending on your point of view.”
“No Abe,” said the Rabbi. “If two men climb inside a chimney, how could either of them come out clean? They are obviously both dirty and so they both wash.”
Abe was now thoroughly confused, “Rabbi, you asked me exactly the same question three times, yet you gave me three different answers. Are you playing games with me?”
“No, Abe, I would never joke with you. This is Talmud.”

A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Alabama: Sisters Make Good Wives or At Least We’re not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Drugs-R-Us or Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not.. But The Potatoes sure are real good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: “10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes”

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Sheep Make Good Wives Too or Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney…

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: YEE HAWWWWW! or Si Hablo Ing les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah: Olympics and Scandal or Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re overrun by nerds and slackards

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die or Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?



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