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God is so disenchanted with all the noisy earthly music he keeps on hearing that he decides to do something about it. He sits down to write a Rosh Hashanah (New Year) symphony. When he finishes, God is very pleased with his effort. It is, he says to himself, ‘a magnificent musical symphony, exactly how real music should sound.’
Now that it’s ready, God wants his symphony performed as quickly as possible, so he assembles the greatest musicians of all time and invites everyone who ever lived to hear his masterpiece. No one could refuse.
The day of the unique concert arrives and God himself decides to conduct his own composition. He stands in front of a music stand made of solid gold, taps his baton for order and then the music begins.
The first movement lasts a whole year, but passes so quickly that no one notices. The second movement is even more beautiful than the first and even though this lasts over 2 years, no one seems to mind.
Now comes the third movement. This is the longest and loveliest of all and midway through is a special solo part – one note struck on a silver triangle. It is the highpoint of the symphony. And guess who has been personally selected by God to strike that note? It’s none other than Moshe. Moshe’s family are so proud – it is such an honour to be chosen.
Moshe stands patiently waiting his cue – he doesn’t want to miss it. Then it comes. All the other instruments are hushed. Moshe swings and… .. Oy Gevalt, he misses. There is no sound at all. The orchestra goes deathly quiet and a groan goes up from the audience of billions.
God taps his baton on the gold music stand for order and says, “OK everyone, lets start again from the top.”

Maurice and Hetty were approaching their Golden wedding anniversary. One summer evening, as they were taking a slow walk in their local park, Hetty suddenly takes her walking stick and hits Maurice hard across his back with it.
“What on earth did you do that for? It really hurts.” he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, “That’s for 50 years of poor sex.”
Maurice thinks for a while and then takes his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her tuchus with it.
“Ouch,” she screams. “What was that for?”
Maurice looks at her and replies, “That’s for knowing the difference.”

“Rabbi,” the man said, “Please explain the Talmud to me.”

“Very well,” he said. “First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb
up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,
which one washes himself?”

“The dirty one,” answers the man.

“No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean
and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes
himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one
comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?”

The man smiles and says, “You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean
washes himself because he thinks he is dirty.”

“No,” says the Rabbi. “If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows
he doesn’t have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.

Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes
out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?”

“I don’t know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either
one.”

Again the Rabbi says, “No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could
one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves.”

The confused man said, “Rabbi, you asked me the same question
three times and you gave me three different answers.
Is this some kind of a joke?”
“This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud.”

Three men are discussing their previous night’s lovemaking. The Italian says, “My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.”
The Frenchman says, “I smooth sweet butter on my wife’s body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.”
The Jew says, “I covered my wife’s body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.”
The others say, “Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?”
He shrugs. “I wiped my hands on the drapes.”

Benjy and Sam were mischievous brothers aged 8 and 10. They always seemed to be around when things went wrong. As their parents were unable to control them, they went to the Rabbi for help.
The Rabbi said he wanted to talk to the boys and that he would see the younger one first – alone. So they sent Benjy to see the Rabbi.
The Rabbi sat Benjy down and for the next five minutes they just sat and stared at each other across the Rabbi’s large mahogany desk. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Benjy and said, “Benjy, where is God?”
Benjy glanced around, but said nothing.
The Rabbi pointed at Benjy again and said, louder, “Where is God, Benjy?”
Again, Benjy glanced around but said nothing.
The Rabbi then leaned across the desk, put his finger on Benjy’s nose and said, “Benjy, I ask you, where is God?”
At this point, Benjy got scared, got up and ran home. He dragged Sam upstairs to his room and said, “We’re in deep trouble, Sam.”
Sam asked, “What do you mean we’re in deep trouble, Benjy?”
Benjy replied, “I’m telling you, Sam, we’re in big trouble. God is missing and they are saying we did it.”



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