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The story is told that Lord Rothschild and Sir Isaac Wolfson met one day in the City. During a pleasant conversation, they decided to treat themselves each to a new Rolls Royce and so they took a taxi to the nearest RR showroom. When they got there, they both fell in love with the same pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy on display. But there was only one of these cars in the showroom.
The sales manager heard what was going on and said to the two famous millionaires, “It’s not a problem, gentlemen. If you both want one, I can get another pale blue Ecstasy from our other branch here within 45 minutes.”
“OK,” said Lord Rothschild, “get it. In the meantime, we’re going for a coffee.”
When they returned to the showroom, there stood two beautiful, gleaming, pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy saloons. Sir Isaac took out his chequebook but before he could open it, Lord Rothschild waved it away and said, “I wouldn’t hear of it, my dear fellow. These are on me – you paid for the coffees.”

A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, “Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS… and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.'”

Scientists predicted that a flood would come and totally flood the earth.
The Pope said to the catholics: “Pray and meditate on Gods word”.
The Head Buddhist said: “Contemplate and you will reach nirvana”.
Then the head Rabbi said: “My fellow Jews, we have three days to learn how to breath under water”.

Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.”
The girl gets up and gives up the seat to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, “If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.”
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and says to the bus driver, “Stop, I want to get off here.”
The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells the driver, “If you knew what I have, you would let me out here.”
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, “Madam, what is it that you have?”
“Chutzpah,” Hetty replies.

Moishe and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Golders Green when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Moishe and says, “Hello Moishe.”
Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”
Moishe replies, “Oh her, that’s my mistress.”
“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.
“About ten years, on and off.” answers Moishe.
“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You bastard! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”
“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Moishe, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Hampstead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t… .”
But before Moishe can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”
Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”
Moishe replies, “No, that’s Hyme’s mistress.”
“You mean that Hyme also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Moishe answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”

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