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A guy buys a new Lamborghini sportscar and goes to his Orthodox rabbi to ask him to bless a mezuzah for the car.
“What is a Lamborghini?” asks the rabbi and when the guy explains, the rabbi says “No way am I
blessing a mezuzah for such an extravagance!”
So the guy finds a Conservative rabbi and makes the same request. “What is a Lamborghini?”
the rabbi asks and hearing the explanation, also refuses to give his blessing.
So finally the guy goes to a Reform rabbi with his request.
“Sure!” says the rabbi, “but what’s a mezuzah?”

Q: What’s the difference between an Italian wife, a French wife and a Jewish wife?
A: When an Italian wife is having an affair, she says, “Mamma mia.” When a French wife is having an affair, she says, “Ooh-la-la.” And when a Jewish wife is having an affair, she says, “Issy, the ceiling needs painting.”

Issy the millionaire goes to Synagogue one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
“Rabbi,” says Issy, “that was a God-damned fine sermon you gave today.”
Rabbi Levy replies, “Why thank you Issy, but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of language in the Lord’s House.”
But Issy continues, “In fact I was so God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you $10,000 for the synagogue rebuilding fund.”
Rabbi Levy replies, “No shit?”

Melvyn says to Howard, “My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief as the family, and then marry her.”
“That advice wouldn’t work for me,” says Howard. “Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks Im a shmuck?”

Morris’s local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are currently combing the area for clues.

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