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80-year-old Rachel is very upset indeed when she calls the police on her mobile phone. She cries, “Help me please. I’m in Golders Green and my car’s been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. Oy vay, what will I do?”
The dispatcher says to her, “Stay calm, madam, I’ll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible.”
Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, “Please disregard the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake.”

Naomi is shopping in Harrods and is looking for a new dress. She sees something she likes and calls over a salesman. “See that pale blue and grey wool designer dress on that dummy over there?” she says.
“Yes, I see it,” he replies.
“Well, how much is it?” Naomi asks.
“Madam, that dress over there is $599,” he replies.
“Oy veh,” says Naomi, “I could get the same dress at Minky’s Shmatters in Hendon for only $50.”
“But madam,” says the salesman, “our dress is 100% pure English virgin wool, whereas I’m sure you’ll discover that the dress at Minky’s is made from recycled wool.”
“So,” replies Naomi, “for $549 extra, I should be caring what the lambs do at night?”

An Italian butcher lived in a flat over his shop. One night he was awoken by a strange sound coming from the shop downstairs. He tiptoed down and saw his 24 year old daughter masturbating with a huge salami sausage rammed up her pussy. He sighed to himself and went back to bed.
The next day a customer came in and asked the butcher for some salami.
“I’m sorry, I don’t have any left.” Said the butcher.
“But what’s that hanging up there?” asked the customer.
“That” replied the butcher, “is my son-in-law!”

Melvyn goes to his girlfriend’s house for the first time. Sharon shows him into the living room and then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a colourful little vase on the mantelpiece and picks it up. As he’s looking at it, Sharon walks back in.
Melvyn says, “What’s this?”
Sharon says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He says, “Jeez… oooh… .I… ”
Sharon then says, “Yes, he’s too lazy to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Q. What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
A. Don’t let the door knob hit you in the head!

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