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Avrahom is a 50 year-old single guy who owns a successful gift shop in Edgware. He is very rich. One day, he somehow gets confused about how to pay an invoice he’s just received, so he asks Sylvia, his secretary, to come into his office.
Avrahom sits her down next to him and says, “Sylvia, if I were to give you $22,000, minus 17.5%, how much would you take off?”
Sylvia pauses, looks him up and down and replies, “Everything but my jewellery.”

Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, “Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?”
“Our ketubah,” he replies.
“But you’ve been staring at it now for nearly an hour,” she says.
“I know,” Isaac replies. “I’m looking for something.”
“So what are you looking for, Isaac?” asks Rose.
“An expiry date,” he replies.

ketubah: Jewish marriage certificate

A man walks into a store says to the clerk, “I’d like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes.” The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, “You must be an Alabama fan!” The man proclaims with pride, “How could you tell, was it the color scheme!” The clerk looks at him and says “No, this is a hardware store.”

“So where on this menu is the bacon?”
“I thought they said not to wear hats in the synagoge”
They’re reading and pernounce the word synaogue like it’s spelled… and they’re 30!
They keep pointing out how much they love that Star of Christ.
They name their child (or they are named) Christian
Don’t know what a bar-mitzvah is…

An old italian man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: “Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said… “let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.”

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