Joke's Database
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!

A Brooklynite tourist was strolling through Hong Kong when he spied a synagogue. He entered and, sure enough, he found a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation.
Even though he spoke no Chinese, he was touched by the service.
The rabbi stood by the door greeting his congregants, When the Brooklynite shook the rabbi’s hand, the rabbi asked, “You Jew?”
The man answered “Yes”
The rabbi replied, “Funny, you don’t look Jewish”!

Joe is talking to his soon-to-be-married son Abe. “Let me give you some advice, Abe. On my wedding night, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here try these on.’ Your mother did as she was told and said, ‘These are too big – I cant wear them.’ So I said to her, ‘And don’t you forget it. I wear the trousers in our house and always will.’ Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.”
Abe thought this was such good advice that on his honeymoon, he takes off his trousers and says to his bride, “Here Rifka, try these on.”
She does, then says, “But these are too large – they dont fit me.”
Abe says, “Exactly. I wear the trousers in our house and always will. I dont want you to ever forget that.”
So Rifka takes off her panties, hands them to Abe and says, “Here, you try on mine.”
Abe tries but has to admit, “I cant get into your panties.”
Rifka responds, “Exactly. And if you dont change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.”

The following are actual stories told by travelers from Mendocino County, California to travel agents in the UK…

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

I got a call from a man who asked, “is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret of their successful marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained Shlomo. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn’t gone very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly said ‘That’s once.’
“We had only proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes and quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’
“We hadn’t gone more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead.
“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once’.”

What was it like in 5 BC (before computers)?

• Memory was something you lost with age
• An application was for employment
• A program was a TV show
• A cursor used profanity
• A keyboard was a piano
• A web was a spiders home
• A virus was the flu
• A hard drive was a long trip on the road
• A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
• And if you had a 3 inch floppy… .you just hoped nobody ever found out!

© 2015