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Moishe telephoned his wife Sadie. “Sadie, darling, I’ve got some good news. You know that Lloyd Webber musical you’ve always wanted to see?”
“Well, I’ve just bought us two tickets to see it.”
“Oh Moishe, that’s marvellous. I’ll start dressing immediately.”
“Sadie, that’s just what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night’s performance.”

A north London congregation decides to honour their Rabbi for his 25 years of dedicated service by giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to New York.
When Rabbi Bloom arrives and checks into his hotel room, he is surprised to find a naked girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a word, Rabbi Bloom picks up the phone, calls his synagogue long distance and says, “Where is your respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you.”
On hearing this, the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
Rabbi Bloom turns to her and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”

Tony owns a local car repair garage. One day, Martin, one of his customers, arrives to pick up his car. Tony goes over to him, shakes his hand and says, “I’d just like to say thanks for your patronage. I wish I had 10 customers like you.”
“Wow! It’s nice to hear you say that,” says Martin, “but why are you thanking me? You know I always argue with your prices and I always complain about the work you do on my car.”
“I know,” says Harry, “but Id still like 10 customers like you – the trouble is I have at least 50 like you.”

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when…

1. You only know three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

8. You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

16. You head south to go to your cottage.

17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo – it’s sausage making.

20. You find -40C a little chilly.

21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

23. You can play road hockey on skates.

24. You know 4 seasons – Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

26. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

Maurice is a successful owner of a kosher meat-processing factory. His dream is that Louis, his only son, who is a bit dim-witted, will eventually take over the business.
One day Maurice shows Louis around the slaughterhouse. “Look son,” says Maurice, proudly pointing to one of the many pieces of advanced machinery on show, “You see that machine? You put one whole ox into the front end and out the back come some little weenies. Great piece of British ingenuity, isn’t it?”
He then looks to Louis for some kind of positive reaction but Louis just stares and says, “Uh, duh. . . do you have a machine where you put in a weenie and out comes an ox?”
Surprised, Maurice replies, “There is a machine like that – your mother.”

© 2015