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Leah meets her old friend Naomi and they start talking about their families. “So how’s your son getting on?” Leah asks.
“Oy,” replies Naomi, kvelling, “what naches my Sheldon gives me. He’s now a qualified doctor and has just opened an office in the City. His patients all work for the top banks, brokers, insurance companies, etc. Sheldon is a very good doctor, Leah, you should go see him for a check up.”
“Listen, Naomi,” replies Leah, “I’m in perfect health, so who needs a check up?”
“I wouldn’t be too confident about that, Leah,” says Naomi. “If you go see my Sheldon, I promise you Leah, he will find something.”

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.”Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!” she exclaimed.
“No,” said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”
“Let’s see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that’s it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed.”
“Poof!”And just like that… her ears were gone.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: “Watch out for these creeps… they have come to steal your land.”

Morris went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm.
“You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “You get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that.” I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful!.”

The other day my brother Abe asked if I had heard about the new Jewish car.
This car not only stops on a dime, It picks it up!

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