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Rachel was talking to her best friend Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?”
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth, Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost two stone already.”
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she leave him?”
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose two and a half stone!”

Rabbi Bloom from London is visiting two friends in America. One is a priest and the other a Pentecostal preacher. As soon as they meet up, they start to talk shop. Their discussion centres on whether preaching to people is really that hard. They quickly agree that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear and they decide to experiment. Each would go into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
A week later, theyre all together to discuss the experience. Father Carroll, who has his arm in a sling and is on crutches, speaks first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods, found a bear and began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Unfortunately, the bear wanted nothing to do with me and begun to slap me about. I quickly grabbed my holy water and, the saints be praised, he became very subdued. My bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He is in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. “Well, brothers, you know that we dont sprinkle – we dunk. I found a bear and began to read to him from Gods Holy Word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. Up and down the hills we wrestled until we come to a creek where I quickly dunked and baptised him. He immediately became very subdued and we spent three days in fellowship, praising Gods Holy word.”
They both then look down at Rabbi Bloom who is lying in a hospital bed, is wearing a full body cast, is in traction and has IVs and monitors running in and out of his torn body. Rabbi Bloom looks up at his two friends and says, “When I found a bear, I found preaching to him very easy. But Oy Vay, did he get touchy about the circumcision!”

A hundred years ago, a Yid comes to America and works as a traveling peddler. One day in July he’s walking down a New England road when he finds a cool country lake. He takes off his clothes and takes a dip when the country sheriff arrests him and throws him in jail.
The next morning he appears before the local magistrate.
“Sir, you have been arrested for trespassing. Didn’t you read the sign? It says, ‘Private Lake. No swimming allowed.’”
The Yid wouldn’t hear of it. “Meester, you read de sign your vay and I read it my vay.”
The sheriff was surprised. “Your way? How do you read the sign?”
The Jew answered. “It says: Private lake? Nooooo! Svimming allowed!”

Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
“No problem,” says the tailor. “Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it’s fine.”
“But the collar is up around my ears!”
“It’s nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that’s it.”
“But I’m stepping on my cuffs!” Yossi cries in desperation.
“Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror – the suit fits perfectly.”
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
“Oh, look,” says Janine, “that poor man!”
“Yes,” says Suzy, “but what a beautiful suit!”

One day a preist walks into a barber and asks for a hair cut. when the barber finished he the preist asked: how much do I oh you?
the barber replied: oh don’t worry it’s free.
the next day the barber opens the shop door and finds 3 bottles of wisky from the preist as a thanks.

on the second day a monk walks into a barber and asks for a hair cut. when the barber finished he the Monk asked: how much do I oh you?
the barber replied: oh don’t worry it’s free.
the next day the barber opens the shop door and finds 3 bottles of brandy from the Monk as a thanks.

on the third day a Rabbi walks into a barber and asks for a hair cut. when the barber finished he the Rabbi asked: how much do I oh you?
the barber replied: oh don’t worry it’s free.
the next day the barber opens the shop door and finds 3 rabbis standing outside his door for FREE haircuts.



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