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On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at Mill Hill station a bit early. While he’s waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform – the sign on it says it’s a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a $1 coin and the machine says, “You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish.”
Nathan can’t believe what he’s just heard. So he gets on it again and inserts another $1 coin. “You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you’re waiting for the 7.35am train to take you to your job at Rothschild’s Bank.”
He is totally shocked, but he’s determined to beat the machine. He goes into the Gents toilet, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another $1 coin. The machine instantly says, “You’re still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. You’re also a shmuck(*). While you’ve been testing me out, you’ve just missed your train.”

(*) shmuck – stupid ass

Sadie had passed away and her funeral service was being held at Bushey cemetery. Morris, her husband for over 40 years, had tears in his eyes. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out, the trolley accidentally bumped into the doorframe and jarred the coffin. To everyone’s total shock, they heard a faint moaning coming from the coffin. They quickly opened it and found that Sadie was alive. Wonder of wonders – a miracle if ever there was one.
Sadie and Morris lived together for 10 more years and then Sadie died. The ceremony was again held at Bushey. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being wheeled out on the trolley, Morris shouted out, “Watch out, don’t hit the doorframe again!”

Issy leaves school and decides to open a small grocery store in Hendon. He’s good to his customers and the store does well. Soon he meets a beautiful girl and within months they are married. A year later a boy arrives. Issy calls Dr Myers, a mohel, who performs the Bris and charges Issy $50.
Over the next 12 months, his business begins to take off and Issy opens a large supermarket in Hampstead. It too does well and they buy a nice house near their business. Then a second boy arrives and once again Issy calls Dr Myers who performs the Bris and who this time charges him $250.
Over the next two years, Issy opens more supermarkets and even moves into the catering business. They move home again, this time to a large 8-bedroom house in Knightsbridge. Then, once again, his wife presents him with a son and once again Issy requests the services of Dr Myers who performs the Bris. This time, Dr Myers charges Issy $1,000.
As Issy hands over the cheque, he says to Dr Myers, “Over the time we’ve been using you, your charges have increased by far more than inflation. Why should this be so? Is it because I’m wealthy?”
Dr Myers replies, “No, absolutely not. My $50 charge was for a Bris, my $250 charge was for a ritual circumcision and my $1,000 charge was for an extra special shmuckelotomy.”

EAST DUBLIN, Georgia – All around the country this summer, state and local fairs will provide entertainment for thousands. But not just any gathering sponsors a watermelon-seed spitting contest, hubcap hurling, pigs’-feet bobbing, and the ever popular mudpit belly flop. For those events and more, you would have to travel to Georgia for the 7th Annual Redneck Games.

The Redneck Games attract more and more people every year, and last year over 12,000 attended the festivities. International film crews have even captured the redneck spirit for the news.

In addition to the mud pits, excruciatingly hot weather, and juicy watermelon, another bonus is the loose dress policy: at the Redneck Games, shirt and shoes AREN’T required.

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.

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