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An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, “Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?”
Tony says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s spaghetti! I can’t-a stop-a eating it.”
Poppa says, “You should-a take-a smaller bites!”
Then Poppa says to his middle son, “Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?”
Michael says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s lasagna. I can’t-a stop-a eating it, it’s-a so good.”
Poppa says, “You should-a also take-a smaller bites.”
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, “Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?”
Fredo says, “It’s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy.”
Poppa says, “Pussy? Pussy, that’s-a taste like shit!”
Fredo says, “Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!”

More Yiddish Proverbs

* If they give you, take; if they take from you, yell
* Charge nothing and youll get a lot of customers
* Cancer, shmancer – just as long as youre healthy
* Don’t worry about tomorrow, you don’t even know what may happen to you today
* You cant chew with somebody elses teeth
* If you spit upwards, youre bound to get it back in the face
* You cant dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind
* Had you gotten up early, you wouldnt have needed to stay up late
* For dying, you always have time

Hette had just got back home after a trip to Brent Cross shopping center when she was shocked to find her husband Bernie lying in their bed with a beautiful young woman at his side.
Hette was speechless and ran from the room crying. Bernie went after her and caught her just as she was opening the front door to escape.
Bernie said, “Before you leave me, Hette, please let me explain. I was driving home this afternoon when I saw this woman sitting on a wall at the bottom of our road. Her clothes were in tatters and she looked so tired and sad that I just had to stop and ask whether she needed any help.”
“She told me she was hungry so I brought her back home and gave her the piece of last night’s roast chicken you said you didn’t want. Her shoes were so worn out that I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear any more. She was so cold that I gave her that sweater you said was no longer in fashion that you were going to give to the charity shop. Her skirt was also worn out so I gave her a new skirt from your wardrobe – one that you said didn’t fit you anymore.”
“Then just as she was about to leave the house, she asked me, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause… kids.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

Evelyn was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”

© 2015