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Q – How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb?
A -(Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want I should bother anybody.

Monica Lewinsky mentioned to her college room mate, Kathleen O’Malley, that she would be going home for Rosh Hashanah.
Kathleen asked “Is that the holiday when you light the candles?”
Monica answered “No, That’s Hannukah.”
“Oh” responds Kathleen,”is it the one where you eat un-leavened bread?”
“No, that’s Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the Shofar!”
“Jeez” said Kathleen “You Jews are really nice to your servants”

Jeremy has been dating Hannah for only two weeks but in that time he’s fallen madly in love with her. And now he has a problem – it’s Chanukah tomorrow and he doesn’t know what to buy her. So he asks his big sister for some advice.
His sister tells him, “You’ve not been going out with her for very long, Jeremy, so I don’t think you should buy her anything too personal or too romantic. Be patient – these types of gift can come later. For now, I think something like a nice pair of pretty leather gloves might be appropriate. What do you think?”
“Great idea,” Jeremy replies. “I’m leaving right now for the John Lewis Department Store and I’m going to choose a real pretty pair. I’m seeing Hannah today and I’ll give the present to her then.”
Jeremy goes to John Lewis and after much discussion with the sales assistant, chooses a nice pair of pale grey gloves. He then goes to the payment desk, pays for the gloves and asks for them to be gift-wrapped. But by mistake, his package gets mixed up with the package belonging to the girl in front of him and without knowing, he ends up with some pink panties.
As soon as he gets home, Jeremy seals his package, writes a note, and drives to Hannah’s house. As soon as he gets there, he says to Hannah, “I’ve bought you this present for Chanukah, but before you open it, I’d like you to read my note. This is what Hannah read: -

“Dear Hannah, I chose these because it’s been cold over the last 2 weeks and I noticed you weren’t wearing any when we went out last.
I was going to choose some long ones with buttons, but I bought these because they are easier and quicker to remove.
I thought at first that their pale colour would show the dirt but the girl who sold them to me showed me the pair she was wearing and they were hardly soiled at all.
She agreed to try on yours and she looked really nice even though yours were quite tight on her.
She said her pair helps to keep her ring clean and that since she started wearing them, she has hardly needed to wash it.
I’d like to put them on you now, for the first time, because I’m sure that many hands other than mine will be touching them later.
And when you take them off, blow into them before putting them away, because they will probably be a little damp from wearing them.
And Hannah, just think how many times my lips will kiss them, so I hope you will start wearing them for me when we next go out.”
All my love
P.S. The sales girl told me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

The pope wanted to kick the Jews out of Italy. They got Reb Moshe to debate with him. Since Reb Moshe didn’t know any Italian and the pope didn’t know any Yiddish, they did a silent debate.
The pope held up 3 fingers and Reb Moshe held up 1 finger. The pope waved his hand around his head and Reb Moshe pointed down. The pope took out some wines and Reb Moshe took out an apple. The pope said, “you won, I give up” and left.
The pope went back to his church. They asked him, “How did you lose? What did he do?” He answered, “First I held up 3 fingers for our 3 parts of god. He held up 1 finger for his 1 G-d. I waved my hand around my head to say that He is everywhere and he pointed down to say that He is also right here with us. I took out the wine for the sins we can be forgiven for, and he took out an apple for the first sin that we can’t be forgiven for.”
Meanwhile, Reb Moshe went back to his shul. They asked him, “How did you win?” He said, “He held up 3 fingers to say that we had 3 days to get out, and I gave him the finger. He waved his arm around his head to say that we had to go away and I pointed down to say that we are staying right here.” “And then what happened?” they asked him. “Well,” he answered, “I’m not sure. He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you’re not a hypochondriac.

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