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Abe is reading his Jewish Chronicle when his wife Ruth walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with her hand.
“What on earth was that for?” shouts Abe.
“That,” she replies, “was because I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name Judith Pasha written on it.”
“You’ve got it all wrong, darling,” Abe says. “Don’t you remember last week when I went to Ascot races? Well, Judith Pasha was the name of one of the horses I bet on whilst I was there.”
Ruth gives a shrug and walks away muttering to herself.
A few days later, Abe is reading his Times newspaper when Ruth again walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head, but this time much harder.
“What was that for?” Abe shouts, rubbing the back of his head.
Ruth replies, “Your horse just called.”

Rebecca’s husband has died and the funeral is almost over. Rabbi Bloom goes up to her and says, “I dont think youll ever find another man like your late husband Morris.”
Rebecca replies, “So whos looking for one?”

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver’s license.

Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” he said, “I saved a pound by running behind the bus all the way home!”
“Oy Vey!” said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10.”

Lionel is getting quite bald and his elder daughter’s wedding is coming up. All his friends and family would be there so, well even men can be vain; he gets fitted with an expensive toupee.
On the wedding day, everything went well. Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, “What’s the matter, daddy? Why are you so sad?”
“I’m not really sad, darling,” he replies, “it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.”
“No they didn’t, daddy,” she says, “No one I told knew.”

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