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Don’t order steak or pasta primavera at Denny’s, it’s a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the Mexicans in the kitchen, they will kick your butt.

Don’t laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Paw Paw, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.

Don’t order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it or we will kick your butt.

We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your butt.

We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.

Don’t laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can’t be bad. And in Chicago, don’t point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your butt.

We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we will kick your butt.

Don’t order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your butt.

Don’t try to fake a Chicago accent. We don’t have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he’s dead and you will be too after you get your butt kicked.

Don’t talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city holes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here O’Hare is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

Don’t complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your butt all the way back to San Francisco.

Don’t ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that’s what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry butt just like they did ours.

So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractor and we will kick your butt.

Pronouncing the ‘s’ at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your butt kicked.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked).

Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven’t seen each other for many years.
“So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?” asks Arnold.
“Well,” replies Lionel, “I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year.”
“Lucky old you,” says Arnold, “so what do you do with yourself all day?”
“I get up late each morning,” replies Lionel, “have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again.”
“Wow,” says Arnold, “that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon.”
When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold’s story, Naomi asks, “Did he tell you his wifes name?”
“Im not sure,” replies Arnold, “but I think its Veranda.”

* the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
* the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
* farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
* the cows are giving evaporated milk.
* the trees are whistling for the dogs.
* you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
* you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
* you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
* you can make instant sun tea.
* you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
* the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
* you’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
* you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
* you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
* The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
* you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
* you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
* you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
* hot water now comes out of both taps.
* it’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
* you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
* you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
* no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
* your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
* you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
* a sad Arizonan once prayed, “I wish it would rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it — but for my 7-year-old.”

Becky was talking to Shlomo. “Oy vay, Shlomo.”
“What’s wrong, Becky?” he asks.
“I was thinking about myself this morning and I couldn’t believe just how things have got worse now that I’m chronologically challenged(*). Im living with osteoporosis and my kidneys are so bad that I have to have regular dialysis. I have terrible circulation in my feet and can’t feel my toes. I’ve survived a triple-heart bypass operation and had both my hips replaced. I’m loosing the sight in my right eye and my hearing is terrible. I’ve got a new left knee and the other one is deteriorating.”
“And that’s not all, Shlomo. I’m sure I’m suffering from senile dementia – I cant remember whether Im 73 or 79. I’m also sure I’m suffering from senile dementia – I cant remember whether Im 73 or 79.”
“But I continue to survive, Shlomo – at a price! As a result of the 50 daily medications I take to live from day to day, I suffer from diarrhoea, wind, dizziness and sometimes even blackouts. But, my dear Shlomo, thank God I still have my drivers license.”
(*) chronologically challenged – old

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

© 2015