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Once upon a time a man asked a Jewish Princess from Golders Green, “Will you marry me?”
She said, “No.”
And the man lived happily ever after.
THE END

Becky, hostessing her bridge club gets a last-minute call from one of the players that she’s sick. Unable to come up with a replacement on such short notice, she drafts her husband, Abe, a mediocre player to sit in as the fourth. During the game, Abe gets up to go to the bathroom.
Leaving the door ajar, the women listened as he starts pishing.
Totally embarrassed, Becky calls out, “Abe, would you please close the door!”
Abe’s partner Golda says, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I know what he has in his hand!”

Luigi… Father,I want an annulment.
Priest… Why, Luigi.
Luigi… I think I married my sister.
Priest… No, no, I know you and your wife all the time and there is no relation. What make you think you married your sister?
Luigi… Last night we undress for bed and when she look at me she say… oh brother.

The Top Jewish Country & Western Songs

* Ever Since My Circumcision, My Babys Been Short With Me
* Four Thousand Years of Sufferin and I Had to Marry You
* Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights
* I Balanced Your Books, but Youre Breaking My Heart
* I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
* I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now Im All Cut Up)
* I Was One of the Chosen People (Til She Chose Somebody Else)
* Im Dancin the Hora Alone
* Ive Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
* Ive Starved and Ive Suffered and Ive Parted the Sea, Just to Find That Your Bush Wasnt Burnin For Me
* Mamas Dont Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gentiles
* Mamas Dont Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesnt Mean Anything Now That Youre Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
* My Darlins a Schmendrick and Im All Verklempt
* My Rowdy Friend Elijahs Comin Over Tonight
* My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Aint Kosher
* New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
* Stand by Your Mensch
* That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like a Goniff
* The Second Time She Said Shalom, I Knew She Meant Goodbye
* The Shiksas Gonna Hit the Fan
* This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!
* Why Dont We Get Drunk? – Were Jews
* Youre the Lox My Bagels Been Missin
* Youve Been Talkin Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town
* Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes

A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person’s door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, “Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I’m collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I’m wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”
The homeowner replies, “The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”
“Are you sure?”, asks the Meshulach.
“Sir, I’m positive”, replies the homeowner.
“But”, says the meshulach, “It says here that you’re Jewish, and my records are never wrong.”
“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish”, replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.
“Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you aren’t Jewish?” demands the Meshulach.
“For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasn’t Jewish either!”



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