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Why don’t Italians have freckles?
They all slide off.

An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession.
The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says:”Forgive me father, for I have sinned”

The priest says: “Tell me, my son… ”
The old man explains: “I am 80 years old, and I have recently started a relationship with a woman of 25. She is absolutely gorgeous, and we have been having unbelievable sex 3 or 4 times a day, every day… I can almost not catch my breath… it’s a mind-blowing experience”

The priest then asks: “How long has this relationship been going on?”
The old man replies: “About 2 months… ”

The priest then asks: “When was the first time that you confessed this relationship?”
The old man replies:”Today”

The priest asks:”Why is this the first time?”
The old man explains:”Actually this is my first ever confession”…

The priests (naturally) asks: “Why?”
The old man explains: “Well, actually, I’m Jewish… ”

The priest is exasperated… “In that case, why are you telling me…?!”
The old man explains…
“I’m telling EVERYBODY…!”

Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response.
“Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”

An elderly Jewish man was traveling by slow train from Minsk to Pinsk. At one of the frequent stops he felt hungry and bought a large salt herring. At the same stop a young Russian boy entered into his compartment and as the old man slowly munched his herring the young boy began to tease him.
He said ” You Jews have a reputation of being so smart. How come that you are all so clever?” The old man said to him in answer ” Since you are such a polite young man and asked so nicely, I will tell you the secret, if you promise not to tell a soul” The boy swore by all that was holy that he would never reveal such a precious secret, so the old man finally told him ” We Jews are so smart because we eat the head of the salt herring” The boy was really impressed and said ” I would like to get smart right away, I see you still have the head of the herring you have just eaten, would you sell it to me? ”
The old man was reluctant, but in the end he gave in and said ” All right, all right, you can have it for a ruble ” Well, a ruble was a high price, but the boy could not wait to get started, so he paid and began to eat the head of the herring. When he was nearly finished he shouted, ” Wait a minute, I saw you by that whole herring for just ten kopecks and I paid you ten times that just for the head! ”
The old Jew smiled back at him and said “You see, it is begging to work already”

A young jewish boy walks into a bar with a giraffe, they both sit down and order almost everything off the menu. They eat the bar snacks and laugh jovially. When it comes time to pay and leave, the boy does and leaves. Before he can get out of the door, the bartender demands “Hey you cant just leave that lying there!” the boy then says “It’s not a lion its a giraffe.”

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