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Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy always greeted each other at shul by saying, “Good Shabbos” to each other. One shabbos, Rabbi Bloom, the younger of the two, asked Rabbi Levy, “What by you is a good shabbos?”
Rabbi Levy replied, “By me, a good shabbos is when I wake up, have a good
breakfast, go to shul, the bar mitzvah boy does a good job, my sermon
goes down well, we have a kiddush, I have a whisky, go home to lunch,
have a little sleep, a little studying, and then say Havdalah. That to me is a good
shabbos. And what is a good shabbos by you?”
Rabbi Bloom replies, “By me a good shabbos is when I wake up, turn around and my wife and I make mad passionate love. Get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, snuggle a bit with my wife, walk to shul, do all the things you
mentioned in shul, and come home. My wife and I make mad passionate love, have lunch, go out for a walk hand in hand, come home, go to bed and make mad passionate love once more. Then I make Havdalah. And that by me is a good shabbos.”
“That,” says Rabbi Levy, “is not a good shabbos. That is a GREAT

So my Grandma and Grandpa were visiting Israel from the US and in a highly orthodox area. So they walked in a little shop wanting to buy a talis for a friend who’s child was having a bar-mitzvah. My grandma walks to the owner of the store and assumes that they speak only yiddish and she was struggling with her best yiddish (because they only speaked Hebrew in prayer) and was showing how big it should be and etcetc.. So about 5 minutes later another couple walked in and was looking around, found something they liked and went up to the owner and said, “How much is this in American money?”

Sam was convinced that his wife Betty was getting deaf. She refused to go to an audiologist, so he asked his doctor what could be done.
“Why don’t you test Betty without her knowledge. Start at the door of the room. Tell Betty something in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving nearer, still using a normal tone of voice. That should tell you just how deaf Betty is.”
“Thank you doctor.”
Soon after, Sam saw his chance. He noticed Betty doing the dishes.
He said, “I love you darling.”
No response.
He moved a few steps into the room and repeated, “I love you darling.”
Still no response.
He moved closer, until he could almost touch her and said, “I love you darling.”
With this, Betty turned around and said, “For the third time, I love you too.”

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

Hetty, an elderly lady, has been driving around the Brent Cross shopping centre’s car park for some time looking for a place to park when at last she finds one and stops to pull into it. Suddenly, a youngster drives his car around her and parks his smart silver Audi in her space.
Hetty is so upset that she gets out of her car and says to the young driver, “I was going to park there!”
As he walks away, the man just laughs and says, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick.”
Well, this really infuriates Hetty. She gets back into her car, backs it up and then drives it at speed straight into his Audi. The youngster runs back to his damaged car and asks, “What did you do that for?”
Hetty smiles and replies, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich.”

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