Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


During their business lives, Joel, Mordechai and Emanuel did so well that they became millionaires. Now, in retirement, they meet up in one of the most expensive hotels in the world, the ‘Mazuma Mit Mazel’ Hotel, no less. During their conversation, it soon becomes clear that they all have problems with deteriorating body parts.
“It’s unfair,” says Joel. “Now that I have money and I’m a widower, I could go with any of the beautiful women who come here looking for a husband. But because of my poor eyesight, I’m unable to see who’s beautiful and who’s not.”
“I know what you mean,” says Mordechai. “Now that I have money, I could order anything from the 7 star Michelin restaurant here – lobster, caviar, even the most expensive champagne they sell, Krugs ‘Clos du Mesnil’, but my doctor tells me that I must stick to things such as sardines, water biscuits, spinach and milk. With me it’s my bad stomach.”
“I too have a problem,” says Emanuel. “Take last night, for example. I’m in bed and feeling frisky so I ask mine Sarah to roll over onto her back. But she says to me, ‘Oh no, not again, you can’t be serious – we just made love for the third time only 10 minutes ago. So you see, guys, with me it’s my memory.”

A woman enters a kosher butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter, “I would like a Long Island Duck!” The kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck’s tuchas, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells, “This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!” The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger is the second duck she yells, “This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?” The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says, “I hope this is what yu want lady. It’s the last duck we have. After sitcking her finger up the behind of the third duck she says, “Ah! This is a Long Island duck. I’ll take it! Wrap it up!”
As the kid is wrapping the duck, she says “Your’e not too bright, are you! Your’e new around here. Where are you from, any way?” The kid bends down with his tuchas toward her and says, “Here lady! You tell me!”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
“Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
“Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

It was the first time the Captain and the First Officer had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn’t get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer replied, “Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?”

The Captain said, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer said, “Nooooo, noooo… Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That JAPANESE, not Chinese.”

The Captain answered, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese… it doesn’t matter. They’re all alike.”

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, “No like Jew.”

The Captain replied, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

“Jews sink Titanic.”

The Captain tried to correct him, “No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg… no mattah, all same.”

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”



© 2015 ijokedb.com