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A man goes into his favourite Italian restaurant and orders a meal.He says to the waiter,, “by the way, how do you prepare your chicken?”
The waiter replies, “we don’t,we just tell them straight that they are going to be killed.”

It’s 3am in the morning in Golders Green and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door. Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.
“Can I have a push?” says the drunk.
“No you can’t,” says Maurice, “it’s three o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children.”
Maurice shuts the door and goes back to bed.
“Who was that?” asks Golda.
“Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push,” Maurice replies.
“So did you help him?” Golda asks.
“No I didn’t. It’s 3am and it’s pouring with rain,” replies Maurice.
Golda says, “Shame on you, Maurice. Have you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside.”
So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” Maurice shouts.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“So where are you?” asks Maurice.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he’s never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, “Would you believe it – you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!”

Once upon a time a man asked a Jewish Princess from Golders Green, “Will you marry me?”
She said, “No.”
And the man lived happily ever after.

Becky, hostessing her bridge club gets a last-minute call from one of the players that she’s sick. Unable to come up with a replacement on such short notice, she drafts her husband, Abe, a mediocre player to sit in as the fourth. During the game, Abe gets up to go to the bathroom.
Leaving the door ajar, the women listened as he starts pishing.
Totally embarrassed, Becky calls out, “Abe, would you please close the door!”
Abe’s partner Golda says, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I know what he has in his hand!”

© 2015