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Two Chinamen are leaving Blooms restaurant and one says to the other: “The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you’re hungry again”

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them
back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way “What

about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with
an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered
the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

How do you get an italian girl to suck your dick?
Dip it in pasta sauce first.

One day, Jacob, a Russian Jew slipped on the wet riverbank and fell into the water. Unfortunately, Jacob could not swim and was in serious danger of drowning. Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed over. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed and just stood their watching him drown.
“Help, I can’t swim,” shouted Jacob.
“Then you will just have to drown,” they replied.
Suddenly Jacob shouts with his last breath: “Down with the Tsar!”
The policemen immediately rushed into the river, pulled Jacob out, and arrested him for trouble making.

On the 8th day of Haunaka my true love gave to me:
8 kvetching yentas,
7 kosher pickles,
6 stars of david
5 gefilte fish
4 bowls of chicken soup
3 briskets
2 matzah balls
and one Jewish mother in law

**sung to “The 12 Days of Christmas”

© 2015