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Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens.

“If I guess how many there are, can I have one?”

“I’ll give you both of them.”

“OK. Ummmmm……, five?”

Jewish haikus

* After the warm rain, the sweet smell of camellias: Did you wipe your feet?
* Her lips near my ear, bubbeh whispers the name of her friends disease.
* Looking for pink buds to prune, the old mohel wanders among his flowers.
* Scrabble discord: Someone has placed ‘putzhead’ on a triple word score.
* Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs softly. But her son is forty.
* Tea ceremony: fragrant steam perfumes the air. Try the cheese Danish.
* Lacking fins or tail, the gefilte fish swims with great difficulty.
* My nature journal: Today I saw some trees and birds. I should know the names?
* Like a bonsai tree, your terrible posture at my dinner table.
* The same kimono the top geishas are wearing, got it at John Lewis.
* The sparrow brings too many worms for her young. “Force yourself,” she chirps.
* Jewish triathlon: gin rummy, then contract bridge, followed by a nap.
* Umbilical cord: “Cant you just leave it?” the new Jewish mother asks.
* The shivah visit: So sorry about your loss. Now back to my problems.
* Our youngest daughter, our most precious jewel. Hence the name, Tiffany.
* Concert of car horns as we debate the question of when to change lanes.
* Sorry Im not home to take your call. At the tone please state your bad news.
* Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all Ive done?
* Today, mild shvitzing. Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz. Five-day forecast: feh.
* Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah. Now our cat is gone.
* Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt. Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis. Oy! To be fluent!
* A lovely nose ring – excuse me while I put my head in the oven.
* Hard to tell under the lights – white Yarmulke or male-pattern baldness?

A woman enters a kosher butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter, “I would like a Long Island Duck!” The kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck’s tuchas, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells, “This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!” The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger is the second duck she yells, “This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?” The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says, “I hope this is what yu want lady. It’s the last duck we have. After sitcking her finger up the behind of the third duck she says, “Ah! This is a Long Island duck. I’ll take it! Wrap it up!”
As the kid is wrapping the duck, she says “Your’e not too bright, are you! Your’e new around here. Where are you from, any way?” The kid bends down with his tuchas toward her and says, “Here lady! You tell me!”

Q. Did you hear about the Alabama quarterback who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
A. He missed!

Abe’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire. He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Abe, a single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-be-received fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.
With luck, on his first visit, Abe meets Rifka, a woman whose beauty literally takes his breath away.
“I’m just a standard kind of a nice guy,” he says to her, “but in a week or two’s time my dear father is expected to die and I’ll inherit over $20 million.”
Rifka goes home with Abe and the following day becomes his stepmother.

© 2015