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Show me a Jewish boy who didn’t become a doctor and I’ll show you a lawyer.

Sam goes into a barber’s shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
Issy looks around his shop and replies, “About 30 minutes.”
Sam thanks him and leaves.
Two days later, Sam again enters the shop, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
Issy looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 45 minutes.”
Sam again thanks him and leaves.
A week later, Sam sticks his head into the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
Issy looks around his shop and says, “About 35 minutes.”
Sam once again thanks him and leaves.
Issy is bewildered by this strange behaviour so he says to his assistant, “Could you please follow that man and let me know where he goes. He keeps asking me how long he would have to wait for a haircut but doesn’t return.”
Five minutes later, his assistant comes back, laughing aloud. Issy asks him, “So where did the guy go when he left here?”
The assistant looks at Issy and replies, “Your house.”

Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Israel.”
Isaac responds proudly, “I am!”
Maurice says, “So am I! And where might you be from?”
Isaac answers, “I’m from Jerusalem.”
Maurice responds, “So am I! And where did you live?”
Isaac says, “A lovely little area two miles east of King David’s Hotel. Not too far from the old city”
Maurice says, “Unbelievable! What school did you attend?”
Isaac answers, “Well, I attended Yeshiva University.”
Maurice gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
Isaac answers, “I graduated in 1984.”
Maurice exclaims, “Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also.”
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again.”

Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.

It is Saturday night and Sean is in an Irish pub in Cricklewood. He soon strikes up a conversation with the fellow next to him at the bar. Sean says, “I must stop drinking all this Irish whiskey.”
“Why do you want to do that?” asked his companion.
“Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a half a bottle of the stuff, come home drunk, make mad passionate love to my wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church.”
“What’s wrong with that?” the friend asks. “A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night, drink a half bottle of good Irish whiskey, come home drunk, make love to the wife, and go to mass on Sunday.”
“I know,” said Sean, “but I’m Jewish.”



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